


Deep Levels of Fear

by Centelope



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Jim, Hurt!Jim, Medical Procedures, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 10:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9816668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Centelope/pseuds/Centelope
Summary: Jim Kirk has lost his memory of everything he knew. His ship, his crew, himself. He's quickly driven himself into some deep levels of fear, and must rely on his crew to help him through it. Rated T for some swearing and trauma. Jim!Whump so be warned.





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I'm gonna try to make this a proper, longer multi-chapter fic so there's continuation and stuff. Hope you enjoy!

The landing party had been waiting to beam up for over an hour. The transporter was apparently...functional. Apparently.

“Well then, anyone got any suggestions as to why this thing is shut down, if we don’t get ‘em up here soon, we gonna get our arses handed to us!” Scotty’s accent was thicker than everyone was used to. 

McCoy stared at the man. His eyes narrowed.  
“Scotty, _you’re_ supposed to be the one performing the miracles here!”  
The engineer’s jaw clenched. “I’ve tried everything sir, I cannae find a way!”  
“So we just leave them stuck down there, yeah Scotty?” sarcasm dripped from his voice.  
“Why don’t ye’ come up here and try fix it yourself?” he yelled in the doctor’s ear.   
A tall figure stepped in between them and slightly bowed towards Scotty.   
“Mister Spo—“  
“I believe you might find it useful to know that it appears the machine, simply has a disengaged wire.” His gaze was not towards the engineer, but at the wall.   
“Mister Spock, I don’t need your..” he trailed off and watched the Vulcan’s eyebrow rise.  
“He’s telling the truth” McCoy stated, on his knees under the control panel, holding up the wire and looking up towards Scotty.  “Though I got no idea how this works, do I just push..” he began to fiddle with a socket before the engineer kicked him aside.  
“Don’t touch that!” he bellowed, grabbing the wire and shoving it in the precise area for himself. McCoy threw his hands up innocently.   
“What do I tell ‘em, that they got transported a whole hour late cos I missed a disconnected cable?” Scotty stood up, leaning on the console to help him.  
“That’s your fault, it’s your job”   
Scotty frowned at the doctor and shook his head, inputting some information into the console. Grabbing his communicator with one hand and working with the other, he called the team.  
“Sorry ‘bout the delay sir, beaming you up now”   
There was no reply, Scotty turned to Spock and McCoy, who weren’t taking any notice.

“Well now you’ve done pissing me around on a job that I wasn’t trained for, I’ll be going back to sickbay” McCoy snarled, spinning on his heel to the door and making his way out. “And god help you if I can even smell you coming”

As the doors hissed shut, the transporter began materialising. A smile plastered onto Scotty’s face at his finally working apparatus and stepped over to greet the landing party that will soon appear.  
Captain Kirk turned up, along with Chekov and Uhura.   
Uhura stumbled forward slightly, her forehead creased. Scotty looked up at her, concerned, but Uhura simply shook her head and nodded towards the Captain, who’s face didn’t look like the Captain. More like a terrified by-stander who accidently was brought on board.   
Chekov stayed silent.  
“What happened?” Scotty simply asked, his smile fading, studying his Captain’s frail expression. Uhura shrugged.  
“I don’t know.” She bit her lip at Scotty’s hardened gaze on her. “Really, I don’t know, we were fine, he’s just been getting worse.”  
Chekov piped in suddenly. “Ve vere not troubled at all, nothing vrong, the Kiptin vas acting veird so ve decided to come back!”  
Spock lightly brushed past Scotty and stepped in front of the transporter, ushering the two crew members off the platform. They hastily obeyed him and stood behind.  
“Captain?” the Vulcan’s eyes were darting over him, his voice monotonous but quavering. Kirk didn’t move from the platform. He looked towards Spock, his eyes widening.

Abruptly, Kirk gave one heaving breathe and collapsed onto the transporter pad. Alarmed, Uhura shot a look towards Scotty, who was already onto it.   
“Scotty to McCoy, McCoy, _get up to the transporter room_ , please” he demanded urgently, watching as the Captain sprawled out across the floor. “Now!” he shouted for effect, letting go of the button and racing up to him.   
Kirk released a long groan and shifted onto his side, scrunching his eyes shut.  
“Get him off the transporter pad and onto the floor” Scotty’s voice was small.   
“I don’t advise that” the Vulcan said in a matter-of-fact tone, stepping in and pulling them away.  
“You want us to just leave him there?” Scotty scowled, rubbing his neck.  
“The doctor will deal with the Captain, I advise that you just leave him” he lowered his neck towards both Uhura and Scotty and stood blankly against the wall.

The transporter room doors hissed open, revealing McCoy gripping a med kit, his eyes giving Jim the once-over as soon as he spotted him.

"I've been gone for 5 minutes, dammit!" he complained.

Everyone else apart from Jim stayed silent. Jim was still groaning and rolling around the transporter pad.

McCoy knelt down, placing his kit to the side and reaching to hold the Captain still.

As soon as the slightest touch were upon him, Jim twitched violently and scuttled away, gazing at him wide-eyed.

McCoy's eyes narrowed.

"Jim, damn it, hold still you idiot" he muttered, making another attempt to grab the wild animal that was the Captain.

" _Get the hell away from me."_ Jim spluttered, his voice hoarse. McCoy's eyebrows shot up, the annoyed expression on his face replaced with concern.

"I said, get away from me, whoever you are!" Jim was almost shouting at this point, looking absolutely nothing like the Captain that everyone knew.

"Jim, kid, it's me!" Red flags started rising in McCoy's head.

"I don't know who you are or why.. you kidnapped me. But-"

"Captain, do you not recognise us?" Spock's voice was laced with emotion, much to everyone's surprise.

"Captain? I.. what? No! Take me back to..." Jim paused and tried to remember where he lived.

"Back to... oh my god.." he whimpered quietly, standing up and backing away from the startled crew.

"Jim.." McCoy slowly walked towards him, med kit in tow.

"No. Stay away."

"Uhura? What the hell happened on that planet?" McCoy snapped at the lieutenant.

"Nothing! We were walking and we were just fine and he just.. got worse."

McCoy pursed his lips together and turned back to Jim, carefully opening his med kit.

Jim's gaze never left him, watching him take out a device he didn't recognise.

"Okay.." McCoy began carefully, taking out his favourite device that _he_ recognised, a hypospray. "This is gonna help you relax, okay kid?"

Not much to his surprise, Jim backed off even more. He never did like hypos anyway. Who does?

"Don't come near me with that...thing" Jim spat, cornered against the edge of one wall.

"S'alright, I'll do it gently."

The supposed Captain had reached his limit.

"I said _NO_!" Jim screamed, kicking past McCoy and falling over his feet. McCoy scrambled closer to him, grabbing his arm firmly this time.

"You didn't get past me then, you're not getting past me now" he said determinedly.

Jim tried to pull away, but from the sudden panic rising in him, he wrenched himself sideways and threw up.

McCoy considered telling him to stop being such an infant, but something told him that this was more than his usual typical attempt to escape from vaccinations.

"The crew are used to seeing the Captain bold and disgustingly happy, not huddled up shitting himself over a jab." McCoy teased, smirking slightly.

"I don't _caaare_ " Jim moaned, his legs wobbling trying to keep him upright.

McCoy put a hand on his neck to deliver a surprise jab when Jim slapped it away and pulled himself backwards, tumbling down the transporter steps.

"Don't come near me!" Jim half wailed from the floor.

McCoy knelt down beside him and threw the hypo aside. Wrapping an arm around his waist, he tried to hold him still.

"Jim." he said as softly as was possible for the man.

"Don't--" Jim gasped for oxygen and lurched forward. "--Please, don't h-h..hurt.. me"

McCoy's face paled and turned to look at Spock, who was already stepping onto the platform.

"What the hell happened down there?" he quietly hissed at the Vulcan. Spock was attempting to make mind-meld contact with the Captain but seemed more like trying to make contact with thin air.

"Stop it" Jim coughed, ducking his head under his arms.

"He appears.. disturbed"

"Yeah I don't need a fucking tricorder to see that" McCoy angrily spit at the Vulcan. He received only a rising eyebrow in return, but the moment was cut off from Jim throwing up again.

McCoy inhaled sharply and turned to the two other crew mates.

"Go back to the bridge, and someone get me Chapel on the way. Tell her I'm gonna need support for oxygen"

They both only continued staring at their hyperventilating Captain.

" ** _Now, dammit!"_** he barked at them.

 

McCoy turned back to Jim, his eyebrows furrowed at his increasingly anxious state.

The Captain was leaned up against McCoy, muttering words like "Leave me alone", "Don't hurt me" and "Stay away" constantly. Something clearly had happened wherever they had just been.

Suddenly, Jim pulled away from the doctor, a frantic look in his eye.

"No, no, no-"

"Jim," the doctor grabbed his friend's jaw and turned his head towards him. "You need to calm down"

The Captain only planted his head face down onto the surface in reply, whimpering. Was he...crying?

"Jim, you need to tell me what's wrong."

As per usual, there was no reply.  
“Damn it man, I can’t help you if you don’t _let_ me!”   
“I don’t _want_ your help”  
McCoy’s eyebrows furrowed in concern, staring straight at the blonde man, before reaching for a phaser on his belt.  
“Do you remember thi—“  
Jim instantly stood up and backed away, falling down and continuing to back off from him. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong!”  
“Hey..” McCoy threw the phaser aside, meeting the hypospray. “I’m not gonna shoot you with it, stupid, I wanted to know if you remember it”  
“I don’t!” the Captain bellowed, shoving himself back into a corner of the platform and completely losing his grip on the world… if he hadn’t already.  
“Taking a phaser out on someone who is already confused, was an illogical action, doctor” Spock piped in in a matter-of-fact tone.

 

McCoy sighed softly, putting a supportive hand onto Jim's shoulder and standing up, giving a small glance at him before turning and walking to Spock.

"Doctor." He acknowledged.

"You can use that nerve pinch on humans right?" McCoy whispered.

"You would have me nerve pinch my Captain?"

"Well that didn't stop you before, did it?"

All of a sudden, a loud clonk let the two friends know that Jim was back on the floor again, sprawled out.

McCoy hightailed it over to Jim, signalling Spock over.

"Did you do it from a distance?" McCoy asked Spock, running his tricorder over him.

"No, that is not a feature of the nerve pinch, we must be within the range of-"

"Save it, just hold him still while I get the hypo"

Spock gently put pressure on Jim's arms, keeping him pinned to the floor if he were to awaken.

"Doctor, do you not think that we are being too rough on the Captain, and-or expressing unnecessary force to make him comply with our-- or rather, your, wishes?"

McCoy blinked the information in and rolled his eyes.

"Nope," he crawled back over, hypo in hand. "Just doing what's necessary. I’m gonna find out what’s wrong with the idiot, even if I have to pin him to the floor with nails and a stapler”  
Spock’s eyebrow took a journey to mars.  
“Doctor, don’t you think that’s a bit extreme?”  
McCoy tutted and stared Spock in the eyes.  
“Spock, it was a _joke_.”  
Spock merely raised his other eyebrow to meet the other one.

 

Unfortunately for them, at that, Jim started to come around. And the first thing he saw was McCoy with his supposedly torturous device.  
“Don’t—“ his face went from confusion to panic in a matter of seconds, he started to attempt to get up, but McCoy shoved him back down.  
“This is gettin’ stupid now, kid. I’m gonna take your scared backside to sickbay and so god help me if you try to fight me”  
“Please don’t, I don’t know why I’m here or how I got here, but I’ll go, you just gotta tell me how, just.. don’t, don’t please, don’t use—no, _DON’T_ ”  
Jim threw himself sideways at McCoy’s moving arm and got out of the man’s grip.  
“Jim, for god sake let me help you” McCoy’s forehead creased. “Damn it, where the hell is Chapel at?”  
The Captain ignored him and stumbled off the transporter pad, jumping over to the controls and trying to take in the unknown information on the console. Eventually he decided to just sabotage it.  
“Jim Kirk what the _hell_ are you doing?” McCoy yelled at him from 5cm away. Jim pulled out a wire and stuck it up to McCoy’s face.  
“Come any closer and you—you’ll be the one asking yourself for help”  
“Jim, you’re the Captain of this ship. We’re your friends. You belong here. God bloody knows what happened to you but for the love of the different variations of the word ‘dammit’, you have _got_ to let me help you!”  
“I don’t even know who you are!” Jim’s voice cracked, obviously beginning to fail keeping his walls up.  
“I’m your friend Jim, and the CMO of this god damned ship!” then he pointed to Spock who was still standing unhelpfully on the transporter pad. “And that’s pointy, he’s useless and annoying”  
“Doctor?”  
“I’m joking, try looking up the word ‘joke’ in the ship databanks when you have the time” McCoy scowled.   
Finally, Jim couldn’t take it anymore and gave up. He allowed his legs to drop him down, hitting the side of his head on the transporter console, forming a nice gash on the side of his cheek. His eyes were scrunched up, face lethal with pain, only emitting quiet groans, pale as a sheet of paper. He actively allowed himself to hyperventilate. He just didn’t care anymore.  
McCoy dropped down next to him and gave him a quick inspection. He forced a smile to Jim, placing a hand on his arm and gently gripping it. “Relax, Christine will be here soon”  
Jim took in a gulp of air and stared at the doctor, but ultimately ignored him.

Slowly, all of the Captain’s thought started to overwhelm him. He didn’t know where he was, who he was, who _anyone_ was, and quite frankly he was terrified, but somehow felt like he wasn’t allowed to show it. He obviously had a home, a family, maybe he’ll never see them again. He was _trapped_ here. And seemingly had no intention to let him go.   
Terror overtook his face, and there was only seconds for the two other men to prepare for Jim’s panic-induced _screaming_.

“Jim, hey, hey, no—it’s okay, quieten down—Shhh.. Be.. quiet.. just.. Jim! Ugh, it’s okay! Spock?”

Spock pressed the Captain firmly down, the Vulcan’s eyes was unmistakably glassy. McCoy nodded towards Jim, and Spock took a moment to decide, then manoeuvred one of his hands to Jim’s shoulder. Jim thrashed and pulled him off before he could do anything. McCoy quietly muttered “dammit” when he realised Spock’s emotions were actually getting the better of him—he was too upset to do a nerve pinch right now.

As if on cue, Chapel finally came frolicking into the room with numerous aids of oxygen, accompanied by several men pulling in a gurney. McCoy sighed in relief, which quickly changed his face to scrutiny.   
“What the hell took you so long? He’s freakin’ lost it!”  
“Sorry doctor, the sickbay was practically packed, there was no-one free who could help me!”  
“I’ll argue with you later, help me over here.”   
Jim gazed over Chapel, feeling like he had seen her somewhere before. His stomach churned when he saw what else was in store for him entering his line of sight. McCoy positioned his left hand over his chest in attempt to help him steady his breathing.   
“S’lright kid, I’m gonna find out what’s wrong with you, and then, _I’m gonna fix it_ ” he promised the kid.  
Jim took in another gulp of air and listened nervously to a hissing noise that had started up, clenching his fists as he, for some reason, allowed the mask to be placed on him. He soon understood why when he realised he could breathe easier without stealing half the Earth’s oxygen. If he was even on Earth. His eyes made the world spin around in circles.   
He then focused on the nurse that McCoy called Christine, or Chapel. She seemed to be speaking to McCoy about something while staring at the device holding the oxygen. He couldn’t hear properly, probably a result of his panicking that he seemed to be unable to keep under control. He caught McCoy nodding slightly, who then turned to give Jim a half-smile.

Almost immediately after, he noticed he was getting tired as hell. Really tired, actually. It didn’t take Jim long to realise why. His eyesight faltered.   
“This is gonna help, _trust_ me” McCoy said, almost jokingly, as if he were proud of himself. “Keep taking deep breathes kid, you’re gonna be okay”  
He watched black fog dance around the outline of his eyesight. They clouded the corners, beginning to seep in. Black dots began helping the black clouds, covering what was left of his vision.  
“No way in hell I’m losing you for a second time. Done that before. You probably don’t remember, but believe me when I say I am _not_ doing that again” McCoy’s distant voice said to him. Jim was beginning to feel extremely calm now.  
Spock’s face came into view briefly, his lips were pursed together, his eyes were watery—it looked unnatural. There was a sting and a hiss in Jim’s neck, then he completely fell limp and ended up in absolute darkness.

 

To be continued..


	2. Getting Better To Get Worse Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice nap seems to have given Jim his memory back, he recognises his friend's around him. However, it all goes down hill again from here..

Jim Kirk blinked himself awake. He huffed to himself at the blinding lights that he recognised as the sickbay, the smell making his stomach turn.   
He couldn't move at all, it made him feel sick. Which was probably why he was in the sickbay.   
He felt a presence near him, a blue smudge crossing his vision.

"B.." his voice was hoarse. "B..Bones?"

"You recognise me?" A clear voice pierced his ears.

"What? 'Course I do Bones.. gah my throat hurts. Do I have a fever?" he slurred.

McCoy's lips were pressed into a thin line.  
"I can give you some painkillers but.. do you not remember what happened in the transporter room?"

"Transporter...? No.."

"Jim, you were scared shitless, I had to sedate you."

The Captain's eyes focused suddenly, wanting to hear more.  
"Don't remember that.."

"Yeah, you didn't remember us, or the ship either."

"Prob'ly just.. mm.." Jim felt a cold flush run over him. There was an overwhelming urge to sleep. Freaking Bones again. "B'nes why you drug me m'gain.. just woke..up"

McCoy stood to attention immediately and ran a tricorder over him.   
"I didn't give you anything, you feelin' tired?"

"Uh huh.." was all he managed to muster. McCoy hadn't seen anything wrong on the scanner.

"Go to sleep, you can bet your sorry ass that you need it" the doctor growled, taking another look at Jim before leaving, satisfied.  
  
Jim woke up again with a start. It was darker now, but he was still in the sickbay, he could smell it.   
The ship needed him though, so god knows what he was doing sleeping and humouring McCoy.   
Slowly, Jim stood on his own two feet, using the end of the bed to balance him. He made his way to the door, being careful not to wake anyone up. As the doors hissed open, Jim practically ran to the turbo lift, he needed to regain control as soon as possible!   
He ignored the signs of his vision swimming, blaming it on the sudden fast movements.   
For a split second, Jim toppled back and gasped as he felt like the air was being sucked from his lungs. Was the turbolift going that fast? He made a mental note to fix it.  
  
As soon as he arrived, all eyes were on him. He stumbled onto the bridge, his face as pale as it was only a few hours ago.

"Captain?" came Spock's calm but questioning voice. "What are you doing here?"

Jim gave him a lopsided smirk. "What'd you mean Spock? This is my.. nngh" he groaned and fell against the wall, Spock's beady eyes burning into him.

"You are still unwell, Jim." The Vulcan's voice was next to him now, whispering almost. Oh the many things he learned from humans. "Does Doctor McCoy know you are here?"

Jim honestly didn't think about that-- he just up and left. Oh well.  
"No, but that doesn't matter, ah-..god-hold on," Jim's face scrunched up in pain as he doubled over into Spock, who had firmly caught him while keeping his straight attire.

"Captain, I recommend that you return to-"

"No Spock, I need to resume control of the ship"

The Vulcan watched him for a moment before gripping his wrists and aiding him to his chair.   
"Very well, but I still do not recommend that you-"

"Spock leave me, please."

"Captain I must request that you stop interrupting me" Spock said quickly. Jim sighed, rolling his head back.

“I’ll be fine. Come on, let’s get moving people. Where we going?”

“You got a bad memory Captain?” Mister Sulu laughed from the helm. “You said we were to, “go boldly into the uncharted nexus”, so that’s where we’re heading.”

“Ah yeah, of course, I remember that.” Jim lied, forcing a fake smile onto his face. “Stop by on the first habitable planet that you find, we’ll go check it out” On the word ‘out’, Jim sharply inhaled, quietly, he had felt it coming but didn’t want the others to hear. Spock however, wasn’t stupid.   
He walked to the front of Jim until his face was looking at him. But he refused to look at the man, simply staring to his right so he didn’t make eye contact. Spock decided to kneel down in front of him. That caught the Captain’s attention.

“Jim” the Vulcan said quietly,  the younger man shuddered at his name.

“What’s our ETA?” The Captain called to Mister Sulu, ignoring Spock. The Vulcan’s eyebrow arched, and Jim watched him stand up and walk over to Uhura.

As he turned back to look at the screen, he saw his father on the viewing screen. George. The background behind him seemed to look like the Enterprise, except the layout was slightly different, and there was fire, explosions. The fire was unreal, only a recording, but Jim took no notice, it pricked his eyes and he felt his insides swim as he watched the death of his father. He watched the ship break apart, his mother screaming for his father, his father getting caught in the flames. The ship exploding, his mother continuing to scream. He heard himself scream, he assumed it was the baby in his mother’s arms when he realised it was him in reality. His head was as hot as the fire on the screen was. Was his father alive? His parents were dying? He needed to do something, but he couldn’t get himself to move. He stayed frozen in his seat, his throat was screaming, getting dryer and dryer, more and more painful.

“Jim… look at me.” He heard a female voice drag him back into reality. Slowly, he turned his head to the source, his eyes meeting with Uhura’s, who was kneeling down next to Spock. Spock stood up and took over the comm.

“Bridge to Doctor McCoy, come in.”

“Jim, it’s alright, what are you looking at? There’s nothing there, Jim” Uhura pleaded with the Captain, rubbing her hands up and down his arm.

“McCoy here” the doctor sounded gruff and tired over the intercom.

“This is Spock, we need you down on the Bridge urgently, doctor.”

“I’ll be right there. By the way have you seen Jim? He’s disappeared from sickbay, I think he’s done another runner, the idiot.”

“Doctor McCoy, please get to the bridge.”

There was a pause, and then the transmission ended. Spock returned to the Captain’s side; Uhura was now kneeling right in front of Jim, blocking his view of the screen.   
“Jim, there’s nothing on the screen, what are you seeing?” Uhura looked behind her to confirm it, and sure enough, there was only the vastness of space on the viewing screen.

“My..” gasp “Mother..” gasp “a-nd, my..I..my..” gasp “my mother and..”   
The bridge doors hissed open and McCoy stormed in, medkit in tow, and boy, did he look angry. Angrier than usual that is.

“..Mother.. and.. my..” Jim hyperventilated with clear fear in his eyes. Uhura looked sympathetically at him and looked up to McCoy, who approached the side of him.

“..and my father” he finally finished. He lurched forward to escape, he had to save them. He had to save his parents. What the hell was he doing here?

 _“You’re not going anywhere”_ McCoy muttered, gripping the man’s shirt and hauling him back to the seat again.

“Are you imagining a replay of their deaths?” Spock spoke up. Everyone in the room silently inhaled at his selfishness.

“What do you mean.. a...a replay…? Spock?” Kirk choked, his knuckles draining of colour from his hold on their chair.

"Your father died when you were born.” Spock said. Uhura and McCoy both shot him a death glare.

“ _Spock_!” Uhura hissed, eyes darting straight back to Jim, who looked like he’d just been kicked in the stomach.   
“This is what happens when you run out the sickbay Jimmy” McCoy sighed, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, reaching into his medkit for a hypo to calm the man down.   
Jim tried to speak but no words came out, only choking sounds and sobs. Uhura took his hand and tried to soothe him, hoping McCoy can calm him down soon.  
“You don’t.. look like.. others..” Jim breathed, looking at Spock.

“I assume you are referring to my ears?”

“Y-yeah.. you’re not human are y-you?”  
Spock shook his head, “I am only half.” Uhura and McCoy continuing to watch him, knowing he was slowly losing his memory again. Uhura lightly tugged at McCoy.

“I don’t know the first thing about medicine but… it looks like his long term memory is being affected first, and then it gets worse from there?” she guessed. 

“Yeah, I’d say so. Spock, come over here?” McCoy stood up and beckoned the Vulcan over.   
Spock approached him and gave a small curt nod. 

“Somethin’ is obviously affecting his memory and I need to do tests to find out more, but I can’t keep him still long enough. He either freaks or runs off. The only sedative I have that he’s not allergic to sends him to sleep but I need him awake. I don’t usually do this, but ah..” he sighed and considered whether he should show his temporary vulnerability and whether he’d be able to live it down. But then again, this was his best friend at stake, however annoying he was. “I need your help” he sighed. If Spock had a large ego, he wasn’t showing it.

“Of course, Doctor, but what do you propose that I do?”  
“I think having someone stay with him and uh..” he coughed. “Well, ‘comfort’ him, while I’m doing my stuff, will help him. You up for it?”  
“I would, but I am afraid that my ignorance in the human emotions he would be feeling would not be helpful. I would not know how to help him. I recommend that you stay with him instead, doctor.”  
McCoy huffed and glanced at the floor in thought for a second. “Well even if I would, who’d be doing the tests? You sure as hell ain’t doing it.”

“Is this not obvious? Perhaps another doctor. You mentioned a Christine Chapel. Can she not perform these examinations admirably?”  
“Well, that sounds like a good option, she does know how..” McCoy folded his arms.  
Spock intertwined his arms behind his back. “It seems logical.”  
With a sharp nod in thanks, McCoy turned back to Jim who didn’t look any better than he was a few minutes ago.

"Jim,” he began quietly, waiting for his friend to notice he was talking to him. Jim’s eyes met his. “I need you to come back with me to sickbay. I need to find out why this is happening to you, I’m gonna help you while Chapel here does the tests, alright?” McCoy told him, abnormally calmly. Jim sucked in a breath but nodded. Anything to get the images he was seeing out of his head.

Jim was soon, finally, taken to sickbay, where he refused to sit down unless no one else was watching him.

"For the last time Jim, I can't just chuck everyone outside because you want to be alone in here!"

Jim's face remained blank and hollow.

"Then I won't let you do anything" he sulked, staring at his feet. McCoy sighed in frustration, throwing his hands in the air.

"Fine, fine, we can put up curtains, that way no one can see you"

McCoy thought for a second he saw Jim smirk, probably from getting his own way.

Once everything was set up, he turned to Chapel.

"Go easy on him, he's susceptible to panicking and legging it again"

The nurse nodded and smiled to Jim, who was patiently waiting.

"Alright Jim," McCoy walked up to his friend's side. "Chapel here is gonna use this weird lookin' thing to see if there's any psychological changes, you just got to look at the colours" he explained, patting him on the back. Jim only nodded and swallowed what he felt like was more bile.

Chapel turned on the large device and Jim gripped onto the supports of his chair.

"S'alright, we've got ya'" he stood next to Jim and tried to comfort him, but his knuckles were still going white. A blue colour changed to red-orange suddenly, and Jim inhaled sharply, clawing to get out.

"No, no I have to go, no, don't-dont keep me here, no.. no I can't, can't watch..see, I can't, not..no, no no no not again, no-"

"Turn it off" McCoy ordered Chapel, standing in front of the machine and holding Jim's arms.

"No no no no.. no no no" Jim's eyes rolled back in a struggle for air. McCoy jumped into action and forced the chair backwards as if it was a biobed.

"I said turn it off!" he yelled at the nurse that was just watching. Chapel snapped back into reality and shut off the machine, taking some new readings and giving them to McCoy, who frowned.

"I don't know why it did that to you kid, it's not supposed to, ugh.." McCoy watched the kid's vitals stabilise again

Jim simply groaned and let his head roll back loosely into the bed-chair.

"Doctor McCoy," a voice called his name.

McCoy let himself smile at the kid. "I'll be right back, don't move" McCoy's eyes burned into him at the last two words. To his surprise, Kirk slightly smirked at him.

 

"What is it?" McCoy asked, nodding to Chapel as he walked over.

"Doctor.. something must be really wrong for him to have a reaction like that to colour.."

McCoy grunted. "Yeah I know, I'm thinking of trying again, maybe turn the intensity down?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Chapel glanced towards Jim still trying to get his breath back.

"Yeah, he'll be alright. If it happens again we'll forget about it, but for now we need answers" McCoy rubbed his hands together and pressed his mouth into a thin line. Chapel just let out a thoughtful "Hmm" and turned back to the device while McCoy returned to Jim.

"O-kay, Jim we're gonna try again, but it'll be less intense, we need the answers. Think you can do that for me?"

Jim looked half terrified for a second but nodded. McCoy decided that he should try to comfort him while it's happening, anything to get it done properly.

He sat next to him and rubbed the front of Jim's left shoulder with his knuckle.

"Come on, you can do it." he encouraged. Jim seemed to let all his barriers down at this point, his hands visibly shaking. McCoy looked up to meet his gaze, seeing the younger man's eyes were bloodshot red.

"Bones.." he croaked, sucking in another needed breath.

"It's alright, Jim" McCoy wasn't sure of what to do. He looked up at Chapel and shook his head. She came over for clarification.

"This isn't going to work" he whispered.

"Should I shut it down?"

"Yeah... we don't need this thing to tell us that he's not right psychologically"

Chapel nodded in agreement and went to take away the device, McCoy remained seated next to Jim.

"Bones" he said again, hints of desperation in his voice.

McCoy turned to face him, his eyebrows lowering. "Yeah?"

"I'm.. I see him.. I don't want to" Jim blatantly said. McCoy rubbed his hands against his face and exhaled.

"You mean your father?"

"I keep seeing him.. dying, Bones" Jim was holding back tears, and Bones could see that.

"Alright.. just leave that to me okay?" McCoy reached for his med kit and looked for a hypo. Something to put the kid out of his misery, even if temporary.

McCoy pulled out his hypo and exchanged the vile for something Jim wasn't allergic to, and quickly jammed it in the man's neck before he had the chance to even notice he was holding it. Jim stared at him as if he'd kicked a puppy.

"Relax, it's just a sedative" McCoy explained, watching his vitals begin to smooth out.

Jim rubbed his neck. He was feeling tired already. Perhaps this was the best way after all. "Thanks, Bones"

McCoy stood up to leave. "No problem." And walked out the door as Jim drifted off to sleep.

 

Jim woke up the next hour, feeling like he’s just came down with the worst fever his body has ever had. He felt his forehead—he was sweltering like mad. He sat up, and realised he wasn’t in his house.   
‘ _Well this sure isn’t a farm’_ he thought, rubbing his back. They ached like hell too.

Standing up, Jim wandered around the sickbay until he found a noisy door. _The way out._ Maybe he got his stupid arse high again. Slowly, Jim made his way out the door, being cautious not to set off any alarms.   
As the doors hissed open, Jim jumped back in alarm, and then gaped.   
“ _This is so cool_ ” he thought, walking backwards in circles at the lights. After a few minutes of pondering through doors and getting weird looks from other crew mates (not that he knew they were his crew mates), Jim found his personal ecstasy: the turbolift.

“Uh..” he paused and stared at the controls on the panel. “To umm.. my… friends..?” he asked the lift, not sure if it’ll answer. He laughed to himself. Of course it won’t answer, it’s a lift.

But much to Jim’s surprise, the turbolift shuddered and then sent him skyrocketing down a shaft.   
“Shit!” he thought, rammed up against the wall unexpectedly.

 And then it hit him—he has friends here? They must be pretty damn cool friends. Certainly they can’t be his. Not friends with someone like him.

The lift doors hissed open and a huge viewing screen was revealed to him—the vastness of space. About 14 other crew mates all turned and looked at him, including a guy with pointed ears and odd hair. This place looked cool.

“Good evening, Captain. What are you doing here?”  
Jim looked around. 

“Who’s the Captain?”


	3. Captain Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim decides that trudging outside with absolutely no memory of who or where he is, is a brilliant idea. But there are of course, consequences.

**A/N: Thanks for those who have reviewed or given kudos! It means a lot to me to know you like it :)**   
**This one is a lil shorter than the others, but I have a plan for what's next and it's best to start that on a new chapter. Enjoy!**

* * *

 

_“Good evening, Captain. What are you doing here?”_   
_Jim looked around._

_“Who’s the Captain?”_

* * *

 

Spock folded his arms and looked thoughtfully at Jim.  
“Why are you asking such an illogical question, Captain? Is this a human prank?”

Jim froze and stared at the pointy eared guy. Clearly the guy knows him. But Jim sure as hell doesn’t know the guy. Jim smirked and decided to go along with it. It could be fun after all!

Jim forced a laugh. “Yeah, it’s a prank alright! Tell me uh, humour me on my awesome prank, what’s your name again?” he smiled and hoped the goblin looking man would follow him.

“If I am to comply with your appeal to trail your humour—I will say that my name is Spock.”

Jim shifted his shoulders and spun in a full circle. “Spock! And uh, I guess these are fake too huh?” Jim laughed pulling at his ears. Spock jumped back and seemed to look very angry at Jim.

“Captain, I have no issue with indulging you with your witticism, however, please refrain from mocking my appearance.”

Jim shrugged, and a nice pristine looking chair caught his eye. He dropped down onto it, patting the arm rests proudly.

“Alrighty, let’s go to a new.. galaxy. Yeah. I don’t care where it is, as long as no one has ever been there before. We’ll be the first.” Jim was enjoying this, it was like being a kid who was playing ‘pretending’ games again.

“Yes sir, warp factor?” Mister Sulu asked Jim.

“Uh…” Jim paused. What the hell was a warp factor? “..5” he said aimlessly.

“Aye aye sir, warp factor 5.”

The room shook heavily, if Jim didn’t know better, it was almost like real turbulence. If this was what getting drunk and waking up sober with a group of space nerds was like, he’d do this every day!   
“ _They’re a talented lot_ ” Jim thought to himself, as he watched the viewing screen change from static blackness to extremely fast paced zooming-space-effects with many bright white colours. This was great.

“Can we go faster? Kick it up a notch! Warp factor 15!”

Sulu’s chair spun round to face the Captain, who looked like a happy kid.

“Are you sure, Captain? The engines may not be able to take it, it will be very dangerous, in fact I must insist that we do not go that fast” he explained, other crewmates looking at the Captain too.

“Course I’m sure, let’s go space nerd!”

“Captain… I’m glad to see you’re having.. fun, but please refer to me as mister Sulu and not _space nerd_ ” Sulu laughed.

“Alright, Mister Sulu, let’s take her out!” Jim yelled at the top of his voice.

"This is fucking awesome!" Kirk was screaming 5 minutes later, as the ship's alarms were blaring, 4 people were on the floor and a comm was beeping for attention. Jim picked up the conn and yelled into it.

"Hello there!" He bellowed, throat hoarse.

"Cap'n, is that you? You're setting fire to all my engines man! It's a mess! Can't you hear it? You gotta give the order sir, we gotta slow down!" the man was almost panicking. "It's gonna blow if we don't!"

"Alright alright!" Jim laughed, slapping a hand on his chair. "Warp 3 mister Silk"

The helmsman squinted and elbowed his desk. "It's Sulu, sir"

Chekov bit back a laugh.

"It's not funny" Sulu remarked, annoyed.

" _Mister Silk_ " Uhura repeated quietly from her station.

"I think you should change your name to Silk" Jim giggled, nodding a head to the Lieutenant.

"Captain with all due respect, please stop." Sulu demanded firmly.

Jim rolled his eyes. "When we there mister Sulu?"

"We're closing in on a habitable planet now." Spock announced from his post.

"I'd say now" Sulu stated.

Jim audibly gasped when he disappeared from one place and reappeared outside. The nature was orange instead of green, the skies were yellow in colour, a hint of another planet covering most of the clouds.

"This must be some awesome props you got" Jim observed the area, and then pointed at white water.

"Holy shit!" He yelled with excitement, running up to the pure silver river. He walked down into the ditch, water covering him from the waist down. "This is so cool you guys!" he exclaimed, dipping his head into the high water and shaking the mess all over his disgusted crew.

"Come on people, lighten up!" Jim mused, kicking water in Uhura's face. She backed away and tried to hide her anger over the intergalactic water being in her hair.

"Captain, are you sure you don't want to bring down the officers? Spock and McCoy would be.. really useful" Sulu explained.

"Nah. We're good. In fact let's go find some shelter" Jim replied, looking around for big trees. "Must have taken a while to make this" Jim looked around at the amazing sights.

"Yeah, probably millions of years" Uhura chirped in, taking in the surroundings also. Jim moodily squinted at Uhura. She was more desperate to pretend than he was!

 

Leaning up against a tree with the others, Jim scratched at his throat.

"Damn, must be really hot around here, you picked a great place to do this" Jim said, clearing his throat.

"I bet it's all that screaming on the ship. You were having a hell of a good time" Uhura smiled at him. Jim smirked.

"Oh yeah?"

Uhura's smile quickly turned into a frown. "You know what I mean!"

Jim chuckled and took in a deep breath.

"Welp I'm exhausted. I'm going back to the ship, you guys stay here and have your fun" Jim stated, standing up, regretting it, and slumping back down. Sulu and Uhura looked at him cautiously.

"Take a nap Captain, you must be tired" Uhura patted him in the shoulder and nodded.

Jim opened his communicator. "This is Captain Jim, take me back on the ship" he called.

Uhura glanced at Sulu. "Captain Jim?" they mouthed at each other.

The Captain was beamed back aboard within seconds.

 

"Aye Cap'n, you're lookin' a little peaky, maybe some rest is in order!" Scotty said after Jim materialised.

"Yeah.. what's your name again?" Jim asked tiredly.

Scotty's mouth formed a thin line.

"Scotty, sir" he informed him quietly.

"Ah, mind if I call you mister Scott?"

Scotty started beaming again, clearly the Captain was fine.

"Aye sir, call me what you want!" he smiled, then turning to leave the transporter panel.

"Alright well I'm going back to that.. place everyone was on before I went down"

Scotty looked at him confused. "Alright.. sir..?"

 

"Welcome back Captain" Spock greeted him. "Where are the rest of the landing party?"

Jim shrugged. "I let them stay there, I'm tired" he told him. Spock accepted this as an answer. Jim slumped back into his chair with a wheeze.

"Jeez is it hot in here or what?" he asked, flustered.

Spock turned to face the wall. "If this is another joke Captain, it is not humorous." he stated, monotonous. "In fact it is not 'hot' in here, the temperature remains the same as per usual" he continued, walking over to the scanner for readings. "What did you see down there, Captain? Were there any other forms of life?"

When there was no reply, Spock turned around to to rant when he was stopped by a sight that frightened him for a mere second.

 

The Captain was laying slouched half way between the chair and the floor, mouth dry and almost blue, gaping open and gasping for air. Spock shot him a look in worry, Jim's eyes were blood-shot. How did he not notice?

"Captain?" he called in concern, marching over and dragging the rest of Jim on the floor, letting him gently lay on his back.

Jim was staring daggers into Spock and mouthing the word "help" at him. He made some god awful choking noises that sent Spock's mind into a frenzy, was he going to die here like he watched him die before?

He stopped himself thinking, gave one more look at Jim and raced to the comm.

"Doctor McCoy, this is Spock, please get to the bridge as soon as possible, Ji--The Captain is choking"

The comm was dropped without a reply immediately after and Spock hoped that the good doctor had dropped everything and ran.

He looked back to Jim, his body was almost seizing, probably from the lack of oxygen. His eyes were as red as blood, Spock could see the man's pupils had enlarged a fair amount. He stood back in shock when Jim started vomiting next to him, still making choked sounds every time he breathed.

"It will be okay Jim, we must wait for the doctor" Spock tried to sooth the man, unsure if he could hear. In reply, Jim's eyes rolled back find he started violently jerking at the lack of oxygen. Seconds later, it had evolved into a seizure.

 

The doors hissed open and McCoy came bursting in with Chapel.   
He took one look at his friend and felt his insides twist. What the hell had happened in the past hour?

"Shit!" McCoy exclaimed, throwing his kit down next to Jim and tipping his head back slightly, feeling for a pulse on his wrist.

"Okay he's going into anaphylactic shock, I need to intubate him, I need.. I need a tube in his throat, Chapel?"

"Yes doctor, let me attend to his seizing first" she held her hand against Jim's neck and gave him another stab of the hypo. Groaning sounds emitted from the man as the seizure was stopping but he was still going into shock.

"Alright, Jim if you can hear me, I can't give you any more medicine as we don't know if it will screw with whatever you were allergic to. We have to do this while you're awake kid, but I promise it won't hurt." McCoy blinked rapidly against the tears he was holding back, shaking off the feeling he was going to lose him again. But he wasn't going to let that happen, not if he can help it.

 

"Spock clamp down on his shoulders will you?" he asked the hobgoblin, who silently obeyed, pushing most of his body weight against his friend. "There's no time to get him to sickbay, we have to do this here"

McCoy practically yanked the poor guy's mouth open and shoved a laryngoscope in there. He found his way quickly. Slowly, he advanced a tube down his throat, Chapel watching him intently.

"If you want, doctor, I can take ov-"

"It's fine, Chapel" McCoy lightly sighed, moving his hands to inflate the cuff. He attached a bag and started ventilating him. Chapel grabbed her tricorder and scanned him.

"It's in place doctor" she announced from the readings. McCoy let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and slumped back.

"Jesus.." he merely said, taking out his communicator.

"This is McCoy to sickbay, I need a gurney on the bridge _now_." then he turned to Spock who was still effortlessly holding Jim down. "You can uh.. let go now Spock. Thanks" he told him quietly.

The return of oxygen to Jim made him stir, although McCoy didn't want him to.

"You with me?" he pulled the Captain's eyelids back and shone a torch in his eyes. He received pair of panicked eyes in response.

"It's all okay Jim" Chapel assured him, smiling. Spock continued to look at the 2 humans almost amazed. For such an illogically emotional race, they were staying pretty damn well calm considering the situation.

 

The doors hissed open, letting the 2 doctors know help had arrived. As a gurney was placed by them, Jim was hauled up on 3 by several other doctors and placed onto the gurney, another one grabbing the ventilator and storming off down the corridors to the sickbay.

McCoy stayed seated on the floor for a few more seconds.

"Doctor." Spock asked of him. McCoy groggily turned his head towards him. "I believe that you have done well."  
McCoy closed his eyes and grinned, then stood up and walked his way back to sickbay to deal with his friend.

Jim wearily tried to bring himself into the white light, but he was sat on by blackness and blackness was all he saw. It felt like a struggle for him to reach up and drag himself upwards, pull himself upwards, get away from the darkness, but whatever had him, had gotten him good.

He felt himself get stronger, he was able to fight. Slowly, the world around Jim came back to him, the blackness disappearing all at once with a sudden whoosh.

 

Jim took a sharp intake of air, his eyes sprung open wide in terror. Bright lights and primary coloured blurs flooded his eyes, abusing them and burning them, making him want to slam his eyes shut again.

"Jim Jim Jim-- Hey, kid it's just me, calm down, you're in sickbay okay?"

Jim twisted his neck towards the voice. He tried to make an attempt to speak but there was something stopping him.

Am I alive? he wondered, trying to move his head to the side but was unable to with a sudden pain in his head.

"Yeah, you're intubated right now Jim, cough on 3 for me so we can get it out."

Jim blinked at the man but did his best to nod in acknowledgement.

"Alright, 1...2...3- cough."

He obeyed, quickly scrunching his eyes shut in pain as he felt the tube come out.

"B..hnes" he squeaked pathetically.

"S'alright, Jim, you had a severe allergic reaction"

"It appears his memory has returned once again" said a voice familiar to Jim.

"Wha..?" Jim slurred at the man.

"Captain, you are consistently losing your memory and recovering it within a space of hours. It is quite fascinating."

McCoy nudged the Vulcan in the stomach. "Nothing is fascinating about this Spock, get out dammit!"

"It.. it's al'ight b'nes"

"If you say so. I'm still trying to find out what you were allergic to. If you need me, the communicator is here" McCoy showed him the device on his bedside.

"Doctor, a word" Spock gestured McCoy over.

"I've not got time to play logical games with you Spock" the doctor grumbled as he approached the Vulcan.

"I thought it could be beneficial for you to know, that Jim had transported onto another planet while in his delirious state"

McCoy stomped closer to the emotionless man.

"Where the hell are the rest of the crew that went with him? Who were they?"

"He has left them on the planet. They are still there now."

McCoy's face seem to go red with anger. "You didn't think to stop him? Damn it man I'm a doctor not a babysitter! I can't tell him right from wrong all the time!"

"I was not in the room at the time" Spock simply stated, then leaving the room. McCoy spin on his heel back to Jim.

"I hate that green-blooded son of a -"

"Bo'eess when can I go?" Jim's arm flopped around the biobed. Bones rolled his eyes.

"You've had a severe allergic reaction to something and had a seizure Jim, I can't just let you go without knowing you're okay first" McCoy dragged up a chair and sat next to his friend.

"But I am okay! Can I at least go back to my quarters?"

"I don't know, can you?" McCoy smirked.

"Booones. Pleeease" The Captain pleaded. This time he didn't want to leave because of vulnerability-- oh no. He needed to get back to his quarters to get away from everyone.

'Or rather, so everyone can get away from me' he thought.

Bones sighed.

"Fine, but I want a monitor clip on your finger at all times, plus you'll be getting daily shots and visits from doctors every hour. Don't think that leaving sickbay means escape."

Kirk stretched with satisfaction and looked at the door longingly.

"That's fine Bones. It'll all be fine."

 

**_To Be Continued.._ **


	4. Images

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim still isn't out of the woods yet. In fact his predicament gets much, much worse. Both physically and mentally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: I used some past experiences of mine to write this chapter and it's very angsty. There are some mentions of Jim attempting to injure himself because of the memories, there's some minor descriptions of blood, but that's it.

Jim woke up with an uncomfortable feeling around his head. Plus his cranium was burning, and something wet was touching his skin.

He sat up, taking in his surroundings, realising he was still in his quarters. He looked down at the bed he were sleeping on, realising there was damp patches all over the sheets and pillow.

Sluggishly, Jim brushed the back of his hand against his forehead and concluded the damp was his sweat. He mustn't have been in danger or McCoy would be looming over him.

 

_Ding-ding_

Speaking of the devil.

"Come" Jim slurred, flopping back onto his bed before McCoy had his head.

"Hey Jim," the good doctor greeted, approaching him with his med kit. "How you feelin'?"

"Feel like crap, Bones.."

"Well, at least your memory hasn't vanished, good sign."

Jim just groaned and turned onto his side. Why couldn't the man go away.

"Your pain levels were getting pretty high and your fever is a little raised, so I'm gonna give you a quick shot of this and leave you be" he explained, waving a hypo.

"Bones.." Jim couldn't even begin to explain to the man what he was feeling.

"Yeah Jim?" McCoy administered the shot.

"Ngh- ugh"

"Quit being an infant, what's up?"

"I'm not.. I-ugh. It's just.. Bones, did my father really die?"

McCoy exhaled inwardly. "Yeah kid, you don't remember? Mind you, you were only a squealing baby back then."

Jim shrugged and tried to ignore the man.

"You sure you're okay Jim?"

Jim grunted.

"Ya can't lie to me, I can see that your readings are all outta wack"

Jim wrenched himself over to face McCoy.

"What'd you think, Bones?"

The doctor froze. Jim gripped onto the matress angrily.

"I keep losing my memory and you can't figure out why, I left my landing crew stranded on a planet because apparently I wanted a fucking nap, my head hurts, my throat hurts, I want to lock myself in a room and cry to be quite honest but I can't because I'm the fucking Captain and if I dare do so much as to hint at even the slightest negative emotion, I'll get pointy breathing down my neck about how damn illogical I'm being,"

"Jim."

"-I'll probably end up getting reported, and because of that I have to be left here to suffer and express nothing, no fucking thing, because everyone gets offended by everything and it's probably my fault and-"

"Jim."

"-I'm tired and I want to disappear but I can't because I don't want to lose my ship which makes no sense because I want to-"

"Damn it man, calm down!" McCoy grabbed his shoulders and pushed him slowly back down to the bed.

Jim stared upwards absentmindedly.

"I'm tired, Bones.."

McCoy patted Jim's shoulder, "I know Jim, I know."

He said nothing else when he took his damned medkit and left, leaving Jim alone with his thoughts.

 

Jim eventually got bored of watching the ceiling, having Bones come in to jab him, continue watching the ceiling, get jabbed again, rinse and repeat.

Swinging his legs around onto the floor, he steadied himself from leaning too far forward.

This is gonna be fun, he thought sarcastically, trudging towards the door.

 

Spock meanwhile had taken over as the ship's Acting Captain. Again.

The intercom flared suddenly, blinking the Vulcan out of his thoughts.

"Acting Captain Spock" he acknowledged.

"Aye Cap'n, say, can ye get someone down to engineering? Something's welcomed itself onto the ship and there's weird gas in the vents"

"What makes you think it is something, mister Scott?"

"Well unless I'm goin' mad Cap'n, I swear it's followin' me!"

Spock paused for a mere second.

"I will send someone to assist you with the situation right away." he reasoned.

"And who might that be, sir?"

Spock hesitated.

"You need a science officer. I shall send myself. Spock out."

As soon as he ended the transmission, he launched himself upwards in the most straight and steady of manner and turned to Sulu.

"Mister Sulu, you have the conn" he ordered, hearing an 'aye sir' before the turbo lift door closed.

 

Spock made his way down to engineering, trying to conclude logically how something got on board the ship and into the vents. Perhaps it was when he had beamed the landing party back up.

The turbo doors hissed open, and he walked half way across the corridor until Jr reached the engine room door, revealing Scotty standing tightlipped and looking half terrified. Spock scanned the corridor for a creature that was double Scotty's height.

When he found nothing, Scotty nodded his head backwards, gesturing something behind him.

"Are you quite well, mister Scott?" Spock asked the engineer that hadn't moved a muscle since he had walked in. Scotty moved out of the way to reveal the engine room door to Spock. The Vulcan's eyebrows raised, and he marched into the room to look for an apparently terrifying creature.

Unless the terrifying creature was Jim, he had found nothing.

 

Spock glanced at the door as it slid shut, turning back around to see Jim standing rather blankly, with a phaser. Pointed to himself. Immediately, Spock pieced everything together.

"Jim." Spock greeted him cautiously, slowly walking towards the comm on the wall in such sly stealth that Jim didn't notice.

"Leave me alone, Spock." Jim quietly stated. Spock glanced at Jim one more time, to make sure he wasn't looking, then pressed the comm button quickly. He needed to get the ship surgeon's attention. Without Jim knowing.

 

"McCoy" he stated, quickly releasing the button and following up the name with "Have you spoken to him?"

Jim apparently didn't twig, shaking his head. Spock realised that Jim would be able to hear the comm once McCoy answered, and hurriedly turned down the volume to such as level that only his Vulcan ears could comprehend. The two men stood in silence, Spock watched the Captain-- his once almightyly powerful, happy-go-lucky, excitable and ambitious Captain, be reduced to such a bad state that he was currently pointing a phaser at himself. The hands holding the phaser were shaking, and his breathing were getting faster.

"McCoy here" Spock heard the saviour of a voice. He turned to look back at Jim, who hadn't heard anything. McCoy needed to know what was happening.

 

"Jim, why are you choosing this course of action?" Spock asked the trembling man. Jim's legs began shaking too, his grip on the phaser getting stronger.

"I don't know!" Jim squeaked in terror.

"The ship, our crew, they need you, Jim."

"Spock? What's goin' on?" the sound of McCoy's voice entered the Vulcan's ears.

"I don't care, they can find someone better--" Jim's rapidly moving eyes looked up to meet Spock's.

"You can run the ship Spock! You're more than.. damn competent than I am." Jim's voice was etched with fear, his entire body was shaking like a leaf.

"You know that is not true, Jim. Please reconsider what you are planning to do"

"Spock? What the hell is going on?" McCoy's now concerned voice just-about hit Spock's ears.

"I'm a fucking liability, Spock! I'm allergic to everything so often half the damn sickbay supplies are gone, half my crew were stranded on that planet, and--and my damn **MEMORY** is **FAILING** me!" Jim all but screamed at Spock, who noticed beads of sweat were forming on the Captain's hands.

"Jim, you know you're worth all of that. And I must add, they were not stranded, they could come back up at any time, Jim, like all our missions" Spock reasoned to him in a matter-of-fact tone.

He stepped closer to the shell of a man.

"Jim, please refrain from injuring yourself with your phaser."

That's it. He dropped the bombshell.

" ** _What?_** Spock where are you? Damn it to hell, where the bloody hell are you?" McCoy sounded like he was having a panic attack of his own behind the comm.

"You.. you will be.. thanking me.. when you realise half the crew.. hasn't died.. on every mission.." Jim gasped for air, staring at his hands that were gripping onto the phaser, his hands were slipping from the excessive sweat.

"Damn it Spock he's hyperventilating, tell me where the bastard is!" The doctor was shouting into the comm, but luckily not loud enough so that Jim could hear. Spock squirmed.

"Jim, why did you decide to do this in the engine room, of all places?"

McCoy had apparently got the hint, as the comm transmission was dropped.

"I.. just.. I don't know!" Jim's legs buckled for a split second, sending him backwards and slamming his back against the wall. "I can't deal with this Spock, I can't, the images in my head, the images of death, of my father, and-- I killed my father, I see it over and over, I-"

"Jim, you did not kill your father. You are suffering from psychological and-or neurological damage. What you are seeing is not real."

“Spock I don’t want to have to deal with this for the rest of my life.” Jim told him seriously. “Remembering, forgetting, fake memories that feel so real, waking up in sickbay—I want to go back to finding new places, exploring new worlds, but I can’t, because no-one knows what’s wrong with me and I can’t command a fucking ship like this, I’m gonna lose the damn ship, Spock, I’m gonna lose her..”

Spock’s expression changed from determination and blankness, into something sincere.   
“Jim, it _will_ be okay. It is true that the doctor does not know the cause or treatment to your ailment, however I can promise you that it will not be forever.”

“Cap’n, if I may..” Spock and Jim both turned to find Scotty standing in the doorway. “It’s only been several days laddie, and I can bet on the rest of my hidden brand of Scotch that McCoy isn’t gonna give up on you, neither is anyone else.”   
Jim slowly looked towards the floor, emotions running through his head.   
“Ye’ just gotta ride it out for now lad, I know there’s an answer, ye’ just gotta give us some time!”

Suddenly, McCoy barged past Scotty and came to a halt when he saw Jim. Immediately the Captain’s thoughts were interrupted, and he was swiftly back onto square one.

“Jim!”

Jim backed away. “Don’t even think about coming near me”

“Jim I know you’re scared kid, we can sit down and talk about the images going through your head alright?”

“Bones…” Jim breathed, staring at the alarmed man. “They’re not images, they’re real.” He shrilled. McCoy just stood and watched him miserably. “Why do you think that?”

“I saw you, Bones.. I remember back on Tarsus where.. there were friends of mine and we were running and I think we were running from you a-and you cornered me and stabbed me with that hypo and don’t you remember? And I was in a lot of pain and you stood and watched and you didn’t care and it hurt and-“

“Jim that is absolutely not how it happened. You were just a kid back then and you didn’t even know me.”

“Then why do I remember it?”

“Somethin’ screwing with your memories Jim. You don’t like hypo’s, same as everyone else, Whatever happened on Tarsus, _which you never told me about by the way_ —obviously has been replaced with me because it’s a fear of yours, you know it isn’t true because we hadn’t even met, and you know it!”

An alarm sounded. The room flashed red, Scotty was not to be seen again a second after that.

_“Code red, I repeat, Code red, this is not a drill, get back to your quarters, large enemy impact, I repeat, large enemy impact, get to your quarters!”_

The ship tilted sideways and made a concerning low creaking noise.

“Dammit, damn this ship!” McCoy muttered, looking up to Jim. “Jim, we gotta go, put the phaser down and come with me”

“Doctor, I must report to the bridge.” Spock announced monotonously.

“Yeah that’s fine Spock, you go.” McCoy didn’t spare Spock even a glance and had his eyes fixed on Jim, who wasn’t moving a finger from the trigger of the phaser.

“Jim!” he shouted in his ear firmly. “Let. Go. Of. The. Phaser!”

Jim gazed at him, the sweat was extremely clear now with the flashing lights.

“Damn it man!” he shouted, attempting to whip the phaser out of his hands as the ship took on the form of an earthquake. Several desks from the engineering room went flying, and Jim stumbled backwards into McCoy, accidently pulling the trigger as he fell, his stomach erupting into the burning on the equivalent of the seven depths of hell.  
The sound of the phaser was barely noticeable over the ear piercing alarms, Jim dropped to the floor immediately like a ragdoll. The ship tilted upright again, the alarms still deafening. McCoy took a moment to process it. He looked around trying to find the Captain. And then found him limp on the floor.

“Jim!” he bellowed over the noise in urgency, kneeling down and surveying his injuries. Scotty came running back in, skidding to a halt as he saw McCoy surrounded in a pool of the Captain’s blood.

“Scotty! Get me Spock and Chapel, quickly! I need a gurney, god damn it _now_!” he panicked, tearing off the Captain’s shirt and being unexpectedly taken aback by the size of the wound on his abdomen.

“B’nes..” Jim slurred, somehow able to come back into consciousness.

“Don’t talk, you idiot.” McCoy opened his med kit and found a compress to place on Jim’s wounds.

“Bones.. tis’ bad, isn’t it?”

McCoy huffed quietly, holding the compresses onto Jim’s stomach. “Yeah kid, it’s bad.” The Captain was a difficult person to keep the obvious facts from.

Jim struggled to keep his eyes open, but tried, knowing McCoy would probably verbally insult the crap out of him if he didn’t.

“I didn’t mean to do that, Bhn’es..”

“I know you didn’t, it’s alright. I’m gonna get you all patched up, you’ll be fine, okay?”

Jim inhaled deeply. “Trust you..” he murmured. Chapel came in along with Spock and Scotty at the same time. Jim tilted his head back to see his friends walking in, and then let himself slump onto the floor. He wheezed, trying to get air into his lungs proved to be difficult, beginning to thrash around with panic.

“What has happened, doctor?” Spock seemed unnerved by the Captain’s current state, although he had probably just regained control of his emotions.

“Ahh.. he got shot with a phaser”  
_‘Put simply.’_ He thought.

“I cannot find signs of the creature anywhere.” Spock stopped looking around aimlessly for other lifeforms and looked to McCoy for guidance.

“I’ll explain it later Spock, for now just do me a favour and keep his body stable as Chapel and I work on him”

Spock gave a slight curt nod and shifted himself to the side of Jim, firmly holding his trying-to-thrash arms still.

Jim lethargically rolled his head to face Scotty. “Wha’ ‘appen to m’ship?”

“She were attacked Cap’n, but we’ve managed to warp out of their reach for now.”

Jim let out a noise of acknowledgement, then let his eyes slip shut before his vision had finishing blackening.

 

Jim woke up in sickbay, head pounding and all. And he felt cold. Very very cold. As he cracked open his eyes, there was a blinding light that roasted them like it had before. Suddenly his memories flooded back to him.   
_He was shot with his own phaser._

Jim threw open his eyes and thrashed around on the bed, or whatever the hell he was laying on.

"He's awake," he heard distantly. "Hey, stay calm, we're taking you to sickbay now okay?"

Jim took no notice and tried to pry the doctor's fingers off his neck. He gave up weakly 6 seconds later.

The sickbay doors hissed open and he was bustled into the room and carried onto a bio bed.

"You got him?" Chapel asked to McCoy.

"Yeah, on 3"

And on 3, Jim was pulled from the gurney and onto the biobed. He wearily dropped his head to the side in exhaustion.

"He's extremely tachycardic, severely hypovolemic, had passed out in engineering, showing signs of general confusion and weakness." McCoy informed the rest of the medical staff.

"I want him put on norepinephrine, plus replace his bloods and set up an IV for fluids"

Jim tuned out after that sentence, the medical jargon making his mind spin. He left the others to prod and poke at him, getting a dozen hypos jabbed into him, but this time, Jim didn't flinch. It was kinda like that time earlier when he was talking to McCoy about how he had used his hypos to--....

"Damn it Jim, _calm down_!" The doctor urgently flicked his eyes between the hyperventilating man and the readings. The alarms were blaring to let the medical staff know he was panicking.

"No, dont-dont touch me with that, please.. no"

"Jim, take a deep breath."

"Get a-away, not again, don't, _no-nonono NO_ "

"Jim! Ugh, can someone help me?"

"No don't you dare, don't you- no, don't don't DON'T DON'T!" Jim screamed and squirmed to get away from the instrument that would be more than likely to bring him pain. He remembered it. Someone grabbed his arm.

"Ggh!" Jim choked on his saliva and heaved.

"No no no no no no.."

"Jim, take some deep breathes of this" McCoy was saying from behind him, a mask being firmly fixed into position over his mouth and nose. He remembered this too. 

"N-no, no more, no more.. no more.. no more.." he breathed, whipping his head from side to side, trying to get the mask off him but the fingers didn't budge an inch. His heart thumped away in his chest, Jim knew it was warning him about something! His vision suddenly became blurry, the voices around him that were trying to shush him became quieter.

"The panicking is just making him lose more blood, I need to operate god damn it, and now!"

Jim tried to focus on someone who was standing above him, but he couldn't. The anxiety in his chest and stomach was unbearable. He eyes were watering and Jim knew it wasn't tiredness.

"Jim?" he heard a distant voice call his name. He grunted.

"Jim I'm putting a special medicine in your mask, it's gonna to make you feel really tired but you gotta breathe it in kid, alright?"

Well that explained it. The oxygen he was breathing stopped smelling like nothing and began to smell sickly sweet instead.

Jim reached an arm up and flopped it around on his head until he found his mask, trying and failing to pull it off. Growing frustrated, he moaned and started hitting the mask tiredly with his fist, but another hand took his arm and lay it down.

"Don't fight it. Deep breathes Jim, deep breathes." McCoy tried to encourage him.

"B'nes.." Jim muffled behind the mask.

"It's alright, I'm about to fix you up but I need you asleep okay? And that's what the medicine is doing, don't fight it."

Jim blinked a few more times; before he let his head roll to the side and was taken into dreamless sleep.

"Finally" McCoy sighed, immediately taking hold of the biobed and rolling it on the way to theatre.

 

"Ah shit" McCoy announced to the entire room an hour later, staring at how deep they found the wound was. "It looks like hell in here."

"That's kind of what happens when you shoot yourself with a phaser doctor" Chapel smiled, almost sarcastically.

"Yeah? Well don't tell him I told you what happened or I'll never hear the end of of it."

"Well uh.. try not to tell him yourself" Chapel gestured to a now stirring Jim.

"Oh my god." McCoy hissed, desperately looking for something to put him out with.

"B'nes wha's going on.." Jim blinked himself awake, confused with the parade if bright lights with masked people standing over him. He shifted himself into a more comfortable position and ended up setting off an alarm.

"Damn it, Jim!" Bones muttered, manoeuvring a tube back into place. "I'm in the middle of operating!" he informed him sternly. "Do. Not. Move."

"Ahhh.." Jim slurred, rolling his head to the side. "M' having a nightmare"

"No Jim, unfortunately I have an incompetent nurse on my back. They're trying to find something to keep you asleep for longer that you're not allergic to. I'm sorry you're awake kid"

At that, Jim's vision contorted and he felt sick.

"Bones.." he gazed at McCoy's face in delirium, reaching out with an arm to find it. "B'nes you're.. on mars"

McCoy took his hand in his and watched as he instantly relaxed. "I'm right here Jim" he glanced at a monitor and something being given to him.

"Remember a few hours ago when I made you breathe something and it made you tired? Think you can do it again?"

Jim exhaled in understanding. "Yeeaaahh" he breathed. McCoy gave him a hidden smile.

"Good. Come on then" he placed the mask back on his face, pretty satisfied that he didn't fight him this time. Clearly some form of trust was rebuilding. McCoy was going to fix him even if he had to be working in his sleep.

 

"Stand by to close." McCoy was ordering an hour later. "Closing"

Chapel handed him the last instrument and after closing Jim back up, watched as the doctor leaned back and admired his work in satisfaction.

"That was 6 constant hours of surgery. Jesus, even for the best damned doctor in the entire galaxy, that was taxing as hell"

Chapel smiled at the proud man and looked back at Jim.

"Does he need to stay on life support doctor?" she asked.

"I don't know, you tell me."

Chapel analysed the man's vitals and his strong oxygenated blood. But hesitated.

"I think we should keep him intubated until he wakes up to see if he can support his own airway" Chapel concluded. McCoy nodded and patted Jim firmly on the shoulder before leaving the room. "My thoughts exactly."

 

Beep-beep-beep-beep!

Jim's heart monitor was racing. McCoy darted into the room on the first alarm and checked on Jim.

"Hey hey hey, just try n' relax, you're in sickbay" he informed him, glancing at his vitals. Jim's eyes followed him cautiously.

"It went fine! If not being exhausting. If you do that to me again kid I'll be sure to shoot you myself" he whispered, slapping Jim's shoulder. Jim tried to speak but choked on something in his airway, his eyes going wide in alarm.

"Ah, yeah. You're intubated-- again. Want to try see if you can handle it on your own?"

Jim nodded quickly.

“How’s your memory?” McCoy asked, walking around his bed to watch his vitals as if he were expecting them drop suddenly.

Jim only squinted at McCoy in response.  
“That bad huh?” he put a hand under Jim’s chin. “Cough for me,”  
The Captain obliged, and once again the irritating instrument was removed in seconds.

“I still—mm” Jim cleared his throat, it was dry as all hell.

“It’ll be hoarse for a while.” McCoy sighed. “Dammit Jim, you scared the hell out of me back there, you know that?”

“Mm.. sorry” Jim muttered, closing his eyes again. “Bones?”

“Hmm?” McCoy hummed, not looking away from his PADD.

“Why does my chest really hurt?” his voice sounded awful. Like someone who hadn’t drank any fluid in 3 days. McCoy darted off to find water.

“Don’t tell me that you don’t remember what you did to yourself” McCoy grumbled, handing him a cup of water. “Drink it slowly now.”

Jim greedily gulped the entire contents of the cup down in one go.

“Dammit man, I said slowly!”

The sickbay doors hissed open to reveal Spock standing there very… observantly.

“Captain” he acknowledged.   
Before Jim had the time to respond, Spock interrupted him.  
“I believe McCoy and I have to talk to you”

 

**_To be continued.._ **


	5. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim starts having nightmares based on false memories, and some realisations are in order as to what is impairing him..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the kudos' and reviews! Keep 'em coming! Every time I get a notification it gives me a surge of motivation :-)

"Jim.." McCoy wasn't sure how to break the bad news to the kid.

"Spock and I have agreed that you're not to go down on the planet surface anymore. At least not until you're recovered." McCoy watched Jim swallow hard at the news, trying to stay in control.

"Leaving you to venture on your own with a crew that relies on you while you have pretty bad amnesia and delusions is extremely dangerous."

Jim said nothing, only stared at the ceiling blankly. He knew this would happen eventually.

\--

Jim shot up and roared out in fear, crying and sobbing hysterically, telling the alarms to be as defeating as possible.

McCoy walked into the room with large strides, checking the kid's vitals on his PADD before he even entered the room.

Jim heaved and cried sobs in some muffled incoherent language and thrashed violently on the bed, as if the devil himself had paid a visit.

"Jim. Jim look at me." McCoy reached for the man's head before it was smacked away, while he was choking in fear. He turned to Chapel instantly and laid out a hand. "Hypo."

Chapel quickly provided a hypospray in the doctor's hand and watched as he tried to get close enough to administer it, with Jim still screaming, crying and thrashing in sheer terror.

" _They're gonna die!_ " he half sobbed half screamed out loud.

"It was just a nightmare, it's all alright kid" McCoy attempted to soothe him, but Jim had caught eye of the hypo in his hand. McCoy quickly lifted it when he saw Jim freeze.

"No no no no don't put- don't put me under, please-"

"Jim."

"I'll only..I'll only see them again and I don't want to, I can't I can't I can't.. please please don't do it don't do it it don't don't.. _please_ Bones _please_ " McCoy gently lay the man back down and place the hypo on the table.

"No hypos, they're on the table, see?"

"Bones- _Bones_ I tried to save them, they were-scream-they just-I couldn't-I..he.. they ran and I said, and it started happening and they.. I watched it, I watched my parents fall through the cracks screaming for me, I.. I saw other people, like the whole world fall through and they were scared and.. oh god what if that happens to this crew?" Jim's heartrate was through the roof, it was thumping so hard in his chest that his pain levels were starting to rise.

"Jim, don't think about that right now, okay?"

" _Bones Bones Bones_ it's gonna happen and they're gonna be screaming for-my h-help I.. I can't let.. I..I.. I... _Bones_ I can't.. I can't.. _breathe_... I.."

McCoy pulled the head of the bed down and Chapel compensated for his breathing with an oxygen mask.

"Jim, I need you to breathe this in, deep breathes in, and out"

Jim shook his head and jerked his head hurriedly side to side, moaning about more jargon. Spock, who had heard the noise from afar, entered the room without hesitation and immediately stood behind the Captain's head, fingers stretching ready.

"Captain, I will now initiate a mind meld to relieve your anguish."

McCoy pulled him aside. "Are you outta your Vulcan mind? Spock if you do that! God knows it could seriously harm you, look at the crap he's in!" McCoy interrupted his incoming movements.

"I _am_ willing to take the risk, doctor." And without stopping at all, quickly prodded his fingers gently on Jim's face, to find his pressure points. When he did, he inhaled sharply, but nothing else happened. Jim had also settled down at the same time.

"Huh." McCoy acknowledged. Who needed sedatives? He could just order 400 Vulcans! He quickly realised how immensely irritating 400 Vulcans would be and changed his mind.

\--

"Doctor." he heard from behind him.

"Hmm?"

"It appears he has suffered a very vivid nightmare in which his parents and, soon after, other loved ones fell through cracks in the earth to their deaths while screaming for him in fear. It is quite unpleasant."

McCoy scoffed and waltzed over to Jim's bedside, making no eye contact with Spock.

"Spock, 'quite' is an understatement" he grumbled, placing a supportive hand on Jim's shoulder. "What'd you do?" He gestured to his sleeping form.

"I merely sent him into a state of rest. He shall not dream."

McCoy nodded in understanding and rolled his shoulders, they were aching.

"Could you stay here with him? If he wakes up again panicking like hell, then don't hesitate to stab the idiot with a hypo" he passed the hypo from the table to Spock.

\--

"What's it going?  What's terrified?" Jim incoherently asked. McCoy's eyebrows scrunched into a concerned form.

"Jim?" he asked, almost to himself.

"Doctor, why is he speaking in strange ways?" The Vulcan was as confused as McCoy was. McCoy gave him a "shut the hell up and let me do my job" look and took an old fashioned pen light, shining it into Jim's eyes.

"Stop," the younger man complained, wincing at the bright light.

"Follow my pen light Jim, look to the left"

Jim's eyes lazily tried to focus on the essence of the billion degree sun that was the pen light, and they drifted away, along with his eyelids.

"Stay awake, damn it!" he grumbled, Jim groaning in protest. He wasn't going to comply.

McCoy sighed, placing the pen light on his pocket and turning to face a very appreciative Spock.

"I don't know what to do, Spock." he very uncharacteristically admitted. Spock slightly crooked his head to the side as if questioning.

"He doesn't comply. Whether he can't or just doesn't want to-- I can't tell, but every test I want to do, he just won't let me finish it."

Spock glanced towards Jim, the cogs in his head turning.

"You have the authority to carry out your examinations, doctor, even if he refuses-- you are able to override his demands."

McCoy shook his head. "That's just it, Spock! What do I do if he's too _frightened_ to let me do something? If he's being a stubborn idiot then fine, but if he's generally terrified of what I'm gonna do to him, the hell do I do?"

"He may react negatively in the present, doctor, but in the future he will be grateful and will not hate you."

McCoy sighed and slumped himself against the wall.

"You must carry out your duty, even if he refuses. It will be difficult, although, you will save his life."

McCoy nodded to the Vulcan know-it-all, took out his pen light and turned to Jim.

"Jim, I want you to open your eyes okay?"

" _No_ " a small voice whispered.

McCoy and Spock briefly exchanged looks before McCoy sat behind Jim who was laying out the biobed, so that he was able to manipulate what he needed. McCoy sighed.

"I'm sorry Jim, I can't let this get any worse" and with that, Jim's eyes were forcefully being yanked open and the billion degree sun was exposed to his eyes. He tried swiping McCoy's hand away with little results.

"Pupils are dilated, don't think they're able to focus on an object properly" he observed, switching the light off. He looked down at Jim, who was looking pretty anxious.

"Look. I'm completely aware that medical stuff scares the shit outta you kid, but I'm not going to let you get any worse. I'm going to run any test I want, as many times as I want, and you're going to comply, got it?" he snarled at the younger man. McCoy hated to speak to his best friend like this, but if it was the only option..

Jim nodded, not saying a word or making another movement.

"Good." The doctor simply replied, taking out the medical tricorder. It buzzed while the machine was scanning him, then he grunted.

"What?" Jim asked the doctor's concerned face.

"Spock, can you uh.." McCoy waved his arms around, "Get nurse Chapel down here?" he asked carefully. Spock gave him a curt nod and walked off to find a comm.

\--

“What’s going on, doctor?” Chapel asked as she cautiously entered the room, expecting a riot, but found only Jim looking pretty pissed off laying on the bed. McCoy hummed to himself in thought of how to explain it.

“The Captain isn’t forming words properly. Kinda like a 5 year old. His pupils are dilated and his eyes can’t focus properly,” He paused and took another look at Jim’s tantrum-looking body language. “I’m starting to think there’s brain damage” he admitted quietly, so Jim couldn’t hear. Chapel observed Jim’s body language also.

“Doctor..” she began, wondering if what she was about to say was too ‘out there’ to be true. “Have you considered perhaps his speech or communication skills are diminishing at the same time his memories are?”

McCoy turned to face her as if the woman was insane.   
“Are you trying to tell me that he is, _mysteriously_ , losing and regaining knowledge? They can’t miraculously be restored once they’re gone” the doctor folded his arms across his chest.

“No doctor, I’m thinking perhaps they could be… blocked out, protected, like patients with PTSD who forget things that are too traumatic to remember.” She glanced down at Jim. “Perhaps a lot of his knowledge is being temporary ‘blocked out’, giving him the mentality of a child at the time. Then later it is restored, just like a blocked off memory that can be remembered in traumatised patients”

 _That sounds absolutely ridiculous_ McCoy thought to himself. Only one way to find out.

“Spock?” he asked advice of the in-thought logical man, who apparently was _also_ processing the same thing.

“It is entirely possible, doctor.” The Vulcan remarked, deep in thought. “It is a possibility that some _thing_ is altering the neurological activity of the Captain as it pleases. A virus or even a specific creature.”

McCoy nodded, seemingly beginning to consider that the explanation was making sense.   
“Chapel, I believe that as the Captain would say, you have earnt your pay for this week.” He smirked, patting her on the shoulder and nodding towards Spock to let him know he could leave.

\--

“So, Jim” the Captain heard a faint voice trying to speak to him. He couldn’t remember if he had been drifting around in a mindless nebula for the past few hours or not.

Jim cracked his eyes open at the doctor, who was staring down at him from above. He squirmed uncomfortably.

“Is this the 5 year old Jim, or the Jim that we all know and hate?” McCoy peered closer. Jim squinted at the invasion of privacy.

“Wha’ the hell are you goin’ on ‘bout, Bones..” he garbled, trying to slap away the intrusion with a droopy hand.

McCoy rolled his eyes and let out a quiet sigh of relief. “Listen, I think we know what’s wrong with you. We don’t know what’s causing it or how to treat the bastard, but I think we know what’s happening” he told him, glancing between the PADD and the monitor.   
Jim gently smacked McCoy’s arm with the back of his hand.

“Spill the beans, Bones..”

McCoy dragged his eyes away from the monitors and gave a quick look to the blonde man.   
“Looks like you picked up something on some disease ridden planet which infected you. We’re thinking it can willingly block your memories, knowledge, pretty much anything neurological.” He began, waiting for him to take it in. “We also think it’s a kind of intelligent life since it’s able to block and restore stuff whenever it feels like it. Nothing I’ve ever dealt with before and I’m really struggling to bring my head around it. Even Spock is trying to convince himself that there is _some_ kind of logic in this crap”

Jim slowly nodded, and spoke up a little too enthusiastically. “Does this mean I can go back to work? Join the landing party?”

McCoy shook his head, “We don’t even know what the damn creature is yet, kid”, he said, albeit sadly, for once he empathised with the guy. Jim’s shoulders drooped in dismay.

“How long?” he pleaded dejectedly.

McCoy rolled his eyes to the ceiling and shrugged, sighing. “As I said, I don’t know. It could be days, weeks, or even months until we find a treatment, if there is one.” He could tell by taking a quick glance to the monitors that his respirations were picking up again, probably in panic.   
“I’ll do the best I can, alright? Just keep in mind I’ve _never_ dealt with this before.” He spared him a half-hearted smile and stretched his back.

“Take a nap, Jim, the more rest you get, the stronger you’ll be to fight it off.” The doctor left the room, slyly leaving a sedative on side-table in case he started stressing again.

Jim wasn’t planning on napping. He needed to be useful.   
_The doctors were supposed to be the best on the entire ship, especially Bones._  
Then he paused. Why the hell was there a doctor called Bones? That sounded really stupid. Was it because he was a doctor? He hesitated again.  
_How do I know he’s a doctor? Come to think of it, who’s **he**?   
_ Jim glanced around the room trying to find the man he was apparently thinking about. He shrugged when he realised he was the only one in the room.

There was an empty feeling in his mind. Like something was missing. The feeling you get when there’s a word at the tip of your tongue and you get pissed off over the fact you can’t remember it. _  
_ Jim took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling in wonder.

_If they won’t help me, then I’ll just help myself._


	6. Everything is fine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was in fact, not fine.

Chapter 6

 

It was 2300 hours at night, and Jim was wide awake, listening to the rhythmic beeping of his heart on the monitor above him.

 _I've got to find a cure._ He thought to himself, staring into the darkness of the room.

This entire room was a medical bay, it must have some kind of medicines in it.

\--

Jim stood up slowly, pondering what would happen if he disconnected himself from the cords that sounded the machine of his heart rate.   
When a couple of seconds had passed after standing on the floor, the machine had stopped picking up his vitals but no alarm had sounded.

_Lucky me._

He made his way to a large cabinet, the entire block was surrounded by glass, with bottles, containers, hypos and even some loose pills were behind it.

"I'm gonna be the healthiest man alive" he thought, reaching to open the cabinet.

As soon as he touched it, a synthetic voice emitted from it.

"Authentication in progress." it sounded monotonous.

 _"Shit"_ Jim froze on the spot and listened for footsteps. Damn, he should have realised a massive medicine cabinet like this would have built in security.

"James T Kirk, Rank. Captain. Authenticated" it said, a quiet clunk alerting Jim that it had been unlocked.

Grinning in triumph, Jim reached into the cabinet and stared at all the medications. A light beam shined inside so that doctors could see the medicines in the dark.

"I'll take all of 'em, thanks" he murmured, taking out 3 hypos and jabbing himself with it. He took out 2 bottles of pills.

"The more meds, the healthier I'll be!" Jim chugged down the entire contents of both. He looked back at the rest of the meds.

This was gonna take forever.

He swiped 4 more hyposprays. Into his arm they went.

_Hiss._

_Hiss._

_Hiss._

_Hiss._

Jim thought it would be quicker to pour as many pills into his hand as possible and swallow them all at once. Plus it was a great challenge.

He took a plastic cup from the side of a water dispenser and filled its contents up, gulping the meds down, emptying container after container, bottle after bottle, pill after pill.

Gulp and refill.

Gulp and refill.

Next. Next. Next.

* * *

 

Jim stretched his neck a bit. About 20 minutes had passed, and there was one hypospray left.

 _"I'm probably fitter than the Captain right now"_ the Captain thought.

Grabbing the hypo and jamming it into his neck, Jim left the sickbay, tossing the empty hypo in a bin near the exit.

Jim made his way to the turbo lift, a dull aching in the legs.

 _"Must be beginning to work"_ he concluded, pulling a lever down.

"Uh... main.. navigating..room..?" Jim ordered the lift. Even at his confused tone, the lift whirred into action, taking the Captain to his bridge.

* * *

 

 

"Keptin on ze bridge!" Came the Russian boy's voice.

Jim looked around for the Captain.

_Where?_

"Welcome back Captain" Sulu said, not taking his eyes off the helm.

_Oh, I'm the Captain?_

There was a man with pointy ears staring at him. Observing him. Jim squinted. The room seemed familiar, and the faces feels familiar, kind of like de ja vu.

"What's our present course?" he asked no one in particular.

"We're just drifting in the Marbliadin Nebula right now, Captain"

Jim shifted uncomfortably. He didn't feel like he was a Captain, it felt.. wrong. But it didn't feel like a game.

"Is there a particular planet you want to orbit?"

Jim was about to speak when-

"Keptin, peeking up life seegnals, on the planet nearest to us!" Chekov announced.

"That one." Jim chuckled, sitting in an empty seat near the front.

 

"Gravity normal, oxygen normal, sustaining life on lifeforms similar to that of a human" a cool voice read from the scanners.

"Okay, how uh.." Jim felt like he should know this. "How do I get down there?"

At the corner of his eye, Jim noticed that the pointy eared man had spun around in his chair to face him. He looked concerned.   
"Captain, are you quite well?"

Jim cleared his throat. "'Course I'm fine, just joking with ya" he shared a smile to the rest of the crew that followed his laugh. Apart from the pointy guy. Jim noted that he didn’t look convinced, but he spun back around anyway.

Uhura stood up to face Jim, her face was serious.   
“Captain, I can escort you to the transporter where Mr Scott can beam you down to the surface.”  
Spock stood up and faced Uhura.

“Captain, I respectfully suggest that you do not-“

“It’s fine uh… yeah, it’s fine. Lead me the way Lieutenant.” Jim was about to address the pointy eared guy but had no idea what his name was.

“In that case I must ask if I can accompany you to the planet surface, in fact I insist.” Spock seemed adamant about staying near him. Jim shook his head.

“No, I want to go on my own, I want to _be_ on my own.”

“You _will_ stay in contact, Captain?” Spock’s tone of voice was more of a demand than a question. Jim nodded to him, following Uhura to the lift.  
Jim and Uhura’s faces disappeared behind the turbo lift doors. Spock’s face was transfixed onto the lift, probably trying to contemplate something.

* * *

 

Jim shook his head from the weird yellow dust-looking things that had covered him seconds before. He was now no longer on the ship, or whatever it was. His head was beginning to throb, the back of his eyes aching.

 _Must be the planet,_ he thought.

Walking around aimlessly, he kicked at the dust on the planet, having no idea what he was supposed to do there. Perhaps it would have been a better idea if he _did_ bring someone with him.

* * *

 

On the bridge, Spock was monitoring Jim’s movements on the planet. Everyone else seemed relaxed, although albeit confused—usually there was a landing party with him, but this time he was on his own, with no apparent mission. They were chatting amongst themselves.

Spock’s sensitive hearing picked up a growing loud grumbling sound. At first he thought it was the ship, but then the lift doors began to hiss open and a _very_ angry looking doctor was inside, absolutely livid.  
Before the doors even finished opening, the man began to bellow;

“I want a god damn ship-wide announcement _right now_! Spock? Chekov?”

Spock raised his eyebrow at the man storming into the room, a pair of nurses accompanying him.

“What is the problem, doctor?”

“What’s the problem?” he shot his head to the Vulcan. “ _What’s the problem?”_ he repeated, marching his way towards Spock now.  
“I’ll tell you the damn problem, all the medical supplies are _gone!_ ” he angrily walloped his fist onto the Vulcan’s desk. “Every god damn last one!”

Spock resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  
“Doctor, if you have exhausted the sickbay’s supply of medications, it will not be difficult to accumulate additional from Starfleet Medical” he informed him. McCoy was shaking his head in disbelief.

“No, Spock, you listen closely here. ** _I_** haven’t emptied the medical supplies. I always keep the supplies full so we never run out in an emergency!” he hissed, Spock still staring him in the face. “Someone _else_ has used them all. What the hell am I supposed to do if someone gets injured?”

Spock contemplated this for a moment.   
“It is possible that you have some supplies remaining in your medkit.”

There was a few moments of silence, Uhura, Spock, Chekov and Sulu all staring at the enraged man. McCoy pressed his lips into a thin line and left the bridge. It seemed that he’d forgotten about Jim with the sudden situation. Spock hadn’t.

* * *

 

Meanwhile on the planet surface, Jim was leaning up against an orange tree, which nicely complimented the red sand. Pressing his hands against his face from the headache, his slid to the ground and groaned.

 _Am I stuck here?_ He was thinking. Jim took his hand away from his head and observed the excessive amount of sweat that had covered his hand.   
Odd, he didn’t _feel_ hot. He rubbed his fists against his itching eyes, noticing that they too were damp.

Jim sighed, something catching his breath on the exhalation. He coughed into his hands, leaning back against the tree again, closing his eyes.   
Feeling like he needed to cough again, Jim opened his eyes to prepare his hands when he realised there was red fluid behind his nails.

Alarmed, Jim began coughing more, the increasing heartrate forcing him to take quicker breathes, seeing nothing other than his own blood on the back of his hands as he wiped his mouth. He rapidly glanced upwards, as if trying to find someone to help, but his eyes were glassy and watery—and there wasn’t a person in sight.

_Oh god oh god oh god—_

He panicked, standing up and stumbling down again on his trembling legs.   
“ _What the hell is happening to me?”_ he breathed out loud, spitting more blood onto the sand, not being able to see it because of the remarkably matching colours of the sand and the fluid.   
He whipped his blue jacket off, noticing how incredibly swollen his arms were. Jim was half-leaping onto the jacket again to find something he could use to help him—

 _A bandage?_  
Water?   
Anything?

The only thing he found was a weird looking flat metal device. A flat metal device that could open, to reveal 2 flat metal devices. He soon discovered that it looked like a kind of mobile phone. With loads of buttons.

He pressed every button he could find—the black ones, the red ones, the green, the yellow, he rolled the wheels, then frustrated and overcome with searing pain, threw the device on the ground.  
Jim let out loud, long moans. He didn’t dare move, any muscle that moved sent pain everywhere. He couldn’t remember a time where he hurt as much as this.   
He opened his eyes, the moaning turning into whimpering as the world only spun around him, as if the sand on the ground was now all over him. It was the sky, it was the ground and the space in-between.  The sand felt like it was penetrating his lungs—his lungs were running out of oxygen, he cried out again in pain.   
Inhaling deeply, he let out a loud cry when his lungs screamed at him. The pain made him gasp for breathes, the aching and screaming coursing through his veins every breath he took, eyes beginning to burn hot from crying.   
_“Stop…”_ he sobbed out loud in staggering breathes, “ _Stop_..”

\--

Spock was looking over his scanner readings, when Uhura began manically shouting for him.  
“Spock!” she yelled, leaving her desk and running towards him. Spock turned around in a rush, looking up to meet the gaze of the frantic woman. His eyebrows lowered.

“What is it, Nyota?” he kept his voice low.

“It’s the Captain—it’s Jim. The signal is very weak, I only just received it but I just received a transmission from his communicator, it’s… it’s—not good, I..” she paused to take a breath and relaxed her shoulders. “Listen to it” she said quietly.

Spock, with his usual straight attire, walking back over to Uhura’s desk with her, taking her listening device. A couple of seconds had passed, Spock’s faced had visibly began uncharacteristically whitening. 

“The transmission is still going, he hasn’t ended it yet.” Uhura could hear the Captain’s screaming coming from the listener that Spock was using. The Vulcan swallowed hard.

“Get Doctor McCoy” he simply stated, hurling the listener down and quick-walking to the turbo-lift.  
Uhura didn’t even watch him leave, marching to the Captain’s chair and pressing on the communicator.

“Bridge to Doctor McCoy” she hurriedly called. It picked up immediately, although the voice coming from it still sounded tense and irritated.

“McCoy here.”

“We’ve received a late transmission from the Captain’s communicator, he’s..” she hesitated, then lowered her voice cautiously. “He’s practically screaming in pain right now, sir. The transmission is still going.”   
Uhura was expecting there to be an irritated grumbling sound but there was only shocked silence.

“Meet me at the transporter” came his voice.

"Okay, where is he." McCoy seriously stated, rather than asked. Spock turned his head.

"Tricorder readings are displaying life signals at approximately 3.54 miles from our current location."

McCoy gripped onto his medkit and began sprinting in that direction.

* * *

 

 _Mghaachk_!

Jim was choking on his vomit at this point. He spat out more blood and sobbed pitifully in so much pain.

"Stop stop pl-ggh.. please.. gasp.. _stop_ " he hung his head down, still on his knees from throwing up.

Lurching forward to gag, Jim moaned under his breath.

" _It_ _hurts_ " was whispered over and over.

Then he saw a sight that made him realise he was going mad. It was Bonesy. Running up to him rapidly.

McCoy sprinted so fast towards his friend that his legs ached in protest. Jim was doubled over on all fours, his face was caked in both sand and blood, tears was staining his cheeks, and the man was sobbing. McCoy approached him cautiously, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder and rolling Jim towards him. The man looked up at him in realisation.

"B-Bones?" he coughed, struggling to keep his eyes open. 

"Yeah." Bones muttered, yanking open his medkit and rummaging for a hypo. "What the hell did you do to yourself, kid?"

Jim remained frozen as a statue.

"I can't.." Jim gasped for breath, and started crying again, "I can't remember.."

McCoy pursed his lips. "You don't remember how you brought yourself into the seven depths of hell?"

He soon discovered that yelling wouldn't get him anywhere when Jim visibly cringed.

"Alright, let's deal with this pain of yours first" he grumbled, firmly holding the hypo and jamming it into Jim's arm.

"N-STOP" The Captain all but screamed.

"Jim, you gotta let me do this."

"Don't touch me" Jim hissed, tucking his arm away and hugging himself.

McCoy sighed and took the man's wrist.

" _G-god_..!" pain rocketed through the Captain's veins, leaving him grunting and heaving for breath.

The doctor's eyes narrowed in concern.

"Where does it hurt, Jim?"

The younger man stayed limp on the floor.

"C'mon, these hands can take the pain away, jus' tell me where it is!"

Jim continued to stare absentmindedly into the ground. But then he sharply inhaled.

"If m' touched.. if.. move.. mmmm"

McCoy rolled his shoulders and shuffled closer to his friend.

"You feel pain if you're touched or moved?"

The Captain nodded, unfortunately.

"Sh-shit" he grunted, biting his tongue.

McCoy sat up. "Hurting again?" he put a hand on his shoulder. Jim screamed.

" _I'M SORRY_!" he cried wildly, causing more discomfort from moving.

"Jim-- no, hey, why are you sorry? Stay still, you'll injure yourself."

"I'm sorry.." Jim moaned into the ground, half sobbing from the pain. McCoy closed his eyes and sighed.

"Your readings are a mess Jim, have you been near exotic plants?"

" _Hurts_ " Jim groaned instead.

"I know, but I don't know if a hypo is going to make it worse."

" _No hypos_!" he shouted quickly, eyes widening in desperation.

"Alright. No hypos, just this once."

There were a few beats of silence.

"Spock?"

The Vulcan turned around and gave a curt nod in acknowledgement.

"Can you get the ship to beam us up? Can't do anything down here in this red mess." he looked at the red sand covering the empty distance.

"Of course, doctor." Spock took out his communicator and began making the orders.

 

Jim stared at the orange-red sky, his eyes unfocused, being too lazy to refocus them. He could briefly hear the two crew members talking amongst each other.

Soon he realised, that his inability to focus his eyes wasn't his own doing.

The world started spinning, and Jim felt his grip disappearing, beginning to float.

"Bones..?" he called fearfully, not moving his eyes from their position in case the whole world disappeared.

The view of the sky was replaced with McCoy's overly concerned and furrowed eyebrows.

"Spock..... up.... get... Jim.... on.... now...."

Jim tried to focus on the voice. His vision disappeared down a tunnel, the voices echoing. He felt tired and weak.

His chest. Jim noticed his heart was burning.

"H'nes my... ches'.." Jim tried to form more words but his body refused. His heart pounded against his chest, every heart beat sending pain. There was no blood being pumped around, only pain. Pain was being sent through his veins to his lungs, to his head, to his arms. Then there was instant blackness.

 

"Jim? Jim?" McCoy tried to shake the man awake. "Damn it, Spock tell them to hurry it up!" the doctor grumbled, running another tricorder scan.

As soon as the sentence was formed, the familiar yellow particles appeared around them, sending their atoms flying across space.

"Get him in sickbay, use whatever you can to find out what's wrong with the idiot!" McCoy was barking orders as soon as they were back on the ship.

Nurses and doctors were standing by the transporter, lifting the unconscious man onto a gurney and rushing off down to the turbo lift with him.

Spock turned to McCoy.

"You are not going with him, doctor?"

He shrugged. "I need to find more medical supplies. They have the equipment to diagnose him but nothing to stop his pain"

McCoy had gathered hypos from spare med kits when a com went off nearby.

"Sickbay to McCoy."

The doctor grunted, lifting everything under one arm and hitting the button with his elbow.

"McCoy here."

"Doctor McCoy, The Captain's awake and he won't let us touch him. He's just... screaming, sir, what do we do?"

God dammit.

"Just... keep him stable until I get there, I'm on my way." McCoy sighed.

* * *

 

"Captain-- sir, let us change you out of your clothes, please!" a nurse was struggling to put a gown on the man.

"Stop touching me! God!" he clawed at the biobed and tried to focus his eyes- everything was blurry.

"Jim," a calm voice sounded in his ear. He turned his head to look at a stoic faced Vulcan.

Jim closed his eyes. "Hmm"

"Perhaps it would be more logical if I were to ease your discomfort through a mind meld."

Jim huffed, almost smiling. "You actually gonna ask my permission this time?"

Spock looked dumbfounded. "I already have, Jim."

The Captain shook his head, instantly regretting it as a Romulan phaser rocketed through his brain. His head hurt.

"What is your proposition?" Spock's voice appeared on top of the noise in his head.

"Captain, do you require assistance?"

The Vulcan's voice was being drowned out by none other than Jim's head. Apparently his brain has downloaded a "radio static" plug in since that was all he heard.

Jim let himself sink into the bed, letting everything drift away as they needed to. His breathing began getting heavy, it was like forcing air out of a crisp bag.  
But he didn't care. Just let him float. He wanted to float. Fly away into the darkness and disappear. He forgot that Spock had asked if he would prefer a mind meld.

He struggled to draw a breath. It was too much effort. He wanted to sleep. Drift away...

His thoughts were interrupted as a gush of cold air brushed onto his face. Then his shirt was ripped away as he felt cold air against his chest. There were dainty fingers pressing things onto it, seemingly in a hurry.  
Something was wailing in the distance. Ugh. Perhaps it was someone screaming-- probably himself,  until he realised it was the biobed alarms.

The biobed was forced down flat, leaving Jim staring up at several blue blurs, and the plastic he recognised as an oxygen mask. There was a sharp pinch in his neck, and the world temporarily went black, then back to his normal vision.

"You with me?" It was Bones.

"Huh..."

McCoy glanced down at him, as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. Their Captain remained completely blank, staring off into the distance, eyes unmoving, not a muscle moving; although his vitals were normal. McCoy brought out his handy pen torch and waved it above Jim’s eyes, which didn’t move.

"Jim," he looked up at his monitor one more time. "When you were down on that planet, were you drugged? Did you--- hey hey hey," Jim's eyes rolled back and the alarms pierced the room. McCoy took one look at the monitors and grimaced. " _Shit_ ,"

The Captain's heart rate fluttered, beginning to make large random drops. McCoy tore off the pads that were on Jim's chest and turned to Chapel. She was busy running around the sickbay trying to find a hypospray that he wasn’t allergic to.

"Get me a crash cart, quickly! I don't have any hypos left to help him."

Chapel didn't hesitate to grab the closest one she could find, McCoy snatching it off her and grunting at how quickly Jim was deteriorating.

"He's in VF" he announced, gripping the defibrillators, "Charging"

Spock's face looked like it was being forced into a neutral stance; his hands were sweating and _that_ was something he could _not_ control.

"Shocking!"

Chapel backed away from the bed, putting an arm in front of the Vulcan's body that was inching closer by the minute.  
“Spock, do you want to wait outside?” Chapel quietly asked him, the Vulcan figure just gazing fixated eyes onto Jim.

The loud thump of the electricity hitting Jim's body filled the room, the heart rate wavering but ultimately remained unchanged. Spock started idly dragging his legs towards him again.

"Stay back, shocking," McCoy repeated the procedure again. The sight of seeing Jim thrown up and down on the biobed almost startled Spock every time it happened. Almost.   
A couple of moments passed. The monitor alarms abruptly stopped and evened out.

"He's back in sinus rhythm" McCoy sighed, placing the device down and rubbing his face.   
He was growing more and more angry with himself by the minute. He was a doctor, damn it, and he still hadn’t figured out what was wrong with the Captain. His friend.

Jim had lost his memory; which mysteriously comes back and then disappears again, he was found on a planet surface screaming with blood all over him, he’d got into cardiac arrest and survived, but McCoy still had no idea what caused it. He’d run tests before, but the only huge symptom he found was the fact that his neurological state was screwed over and the chemicals in his blood were full of crap.  
What else could you possibly do to diagnose him?

_What the hell was wrong with Jim?_

 

**_TBC_ **


	7. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock decides to drop the bombshell, while Jim's delusions begin going out of control.

Chapel carefully met her gaze with McCoy. He looked so sullen. His eyebrows were furrowed and just his eyes themselves looked sad. Concerned. Scared.

\--

"Chapel, this ship needs to divert to Starfleet Medical" McCoy didn't spare her a gaze.

"I will comm the bridge, doctor"

Chapel moved with haste to the wall comm and hailed the bridge.

"Bridge" came Sulu's reply.

"Bridge, this is Chapel, Doctor McCoy requests that we divert to Starfleet Medical." She pressed her forehead to the comm. "The Captain is.. not well."

There was a pause of suspense, and then;

"I'll hail Starfleet and tell them we're coming." Chapel was about to end the transmission when,

"Nurse, could I ask why you are unable to treat the Captain on board the Enterprise?"

Chapel held back a frustrated sigh. "Thought McCoy told you- we're all out of medical supplies, and he's done everything he can think. No diagnosis. We need help" she explained.

Suddenly a loud cry, followed by the voice of McCoy.

"Chapel I need you over here!"

"I have it handled, thank you" Chapel told Sulu, and ended the transmission.

\--

"I won't let you take her away, you asshole!" Kirk was shouting from the biobed.

"Who's her, Jim?" McCoy had his arms firmly holding the younger man down.

"You know who, don't play idiot with me, or else."

McCoy scowled.

"Or else what?"

"Or else.. oh no." Jim's eyes were suddenly pooling with terror. He reached out to smack away McCoy's arm, kicking his legs to move, which were only messing up the bed sheets.

"No, not, no, no no no please, leave me alone, I-please, I..I.... I.."

"Jim look at me, it's _Bones_ , not gonna hurt you, kid." McCoy coo'd at him, as kindly as possible. The other man only started thrashing around more violently.

"You're lying!" Jim forced himself to sit up while simultaneously being pushed down again.

Eventually Jim roared out in anger, really starting to test the limits of human strength.  
“ _GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!”_

“Jim, settle down.”

“How the hell do you know my name?” he heaved out another breath. “Who the fuck are you?”

McCoy shuffled closer to Jim. Quietly, he hushed _“You’re disturbing the other patients!”_

_“I DON’T CARE!”_

“Chapel what’s our ETA to Starfleet Medical?”

“Bridge says several hours, doctor, about 2 and a half at minimum.”

“Dammit..”

McCoy jumped back as an empty hypo was hurled across at him, striking him on the shoulder.   
He spun around to rant at Jim, when Chapel, who was restraining the Captain’s arms, caught his eye, shaking her head at him.   
McCoy exhaled irritated, and rolled his eyes to the sky.

"Ow-ah!" Chapel leapt back, Jim was sinking his teeth into her wrist.

"Ah-ah-ah-Jim! Capt-AH!"

" ** _James Kirk let go of her, now!"_**

Jim instantly releases his prey and looked at McCoy with sad eyes. When there was no answer, Jim leapt from the bed onto McCoy, sending then both plummeting to the floor.  The Captain kneed the doctor in the ribs, provoking a gasp from him.

"Get security" he inhaled, mainly at Chapel, while glaring at Jim with panicked eyes. Kirk launched himself on top of the man, wrapping his hands around his neck, choking him.

A previously watching Vulcan entered the room, fiercely peeling Jim's tense fingers away from the doctors neck.

"Jim," he whispered, monotonous, " _Let him go_."

Kirk lessened his grip, and lunged at the Vulcan with a mighty yell.

"Jim!"

Spock struggled to pull away from his friend, caught off guard by the attack.

Jim was yanked back by a fiery eyed McCoy, the doctor's hands having a firm grip around his patient's wrist.

"Don't. Move. Another. Muscle." his upper eyelids were raised in a stare, his lips thinned into a line.

Spock strode over to Jim, quickly placing and pressing fingers onto his face, searching for the psi points. Jim groaned, the loud threatening world sinking with his sub-conscience.   
No one noticed the Vulcan's face tense up as the memory of Jim hypoing himself with every drug under the sun came to the surface.  
He was distracted by a wave a panic that went through Jim’s conscience to Spock’s.

Spock passed comforting emotions onto Jim's mind, trying to calm him.

As the Captain's aggressive body fell slack against Spock, McCoy took no notice.   
Chapel smiled at McCoy in an attempt to calm him.

"Doctor, it's alright, really!"

"No!" McCoy snapped, glaring at Jim and advancing towards him. "It's not alright."

Spock began standing up again as if nothing happened.

"Really, doctor, think about what you're doing.." McCoy was unaware of her pleas and continued ranting.

Jim's eyes cracked open.

"This is **my** sickbay, you will **behave** in **my** sickbay, or so god help both you and me, I will leave you in the fucking decompression chamber on maximum and _watch you slowly suffocate to death!"_

There was a few beats of silence. Jim's facial expression dropped.

He flopped back onto the bed, immediately rolling onto his side and let out choked sobs.

Chapel shook her head at McCoy, approaching Jim carefully.

"Hey! Its okay! He's not going to hurt you, he's just a little stressed." she soothed, rubbing circles into Jim's back. McCoy remained frozen to the spot.

Jim let out more sobs at her reassurances- it was clear he was struggling to cope with everything, but as usual, he wanted to hide it.

Gently, Chapel pulled Jim's arm and put a hand behind his back to get him to roll on his back again.   
When his face came into view, his eyes were drooped, burning red from crying.

"I..."

Chapel run her fingers across his forward for comfort. 

"Go on."

Jim breathed, "I hallucinated, I think.. I saw you and McCoy as… Klingons"

Chapel gave a quiet laugh. "I bet we looked weird."

Jim's mouth upturned in response. "Yeah.."

He looked up at Spock, and gestured his arms for him to come closer. The Vulcan slightly bent his knees as logically as possible.

"Please don't tell them what you saw.."

Spock folded his arms. "Why not, Jim?"

"Well first, you promised me... every mind meld you.." Jim stopped for air. "..do, you keep it.. a-a-secret, and you gotta keep your promises.. and also... because I said so. My...orders." Then he took a daring breath and said; "If you tell anyone what you saw, I'm dismissing you from this ship."

Spock's eyes grew wide but quickly resumed their normal stoic composure.

"Very well."

Jim closed his eyes.

"Jim," a voice full of sorrow entered his ears. Recognising it was McCoy, Jim slowly peeked to see him.

"I'm sorry I.. shouted at you, okay? I'm just.." he sighed and shook his head in disbelief. "I'm supposed to be your doctor, I should know how to cure you."

After a brief silence, Jim inhaled.

"You can't cure everything, Bones."

Footsteps approached Jim closer, and someone whispered,

"But I _want_ to."

Jim chuckled, "Ahhh.."

"So, uh," McCoy glided next to Jim and tapped his feet. "Can I do something to help you feel better?"

He shrugged, closing his eyes again.

"I wanna get out, Bones"

There was a quiet exhale from McCoy,

"You know I can't let you go Jim, you're sick as hell."

Jim run his hands over his face. "You can't do anything for me." he grimaced as McCoy placed a hand on his shoulder.

"'Course I can." his face was laced with emotion.

Jim shook his head.

"No, you're not getting what I mean," he closed his eyes in frustration, "You can't cure me, you can't hypo me, I'm just stuck here and I'll be as healthy as I am here as I would be if I were on the bridge."

McCoy rolled his head back and sighed inwardly.

"You want to go on the bridge, huh?"

Jim nodded eagerly. "I wanna be Captain again."

The CMO turned to face Spock, who had his calculating face on.

"If something went wrong then Spock could get you to me.. there's nothing to lose if you think about it.." Jim's heart rate was picking up in anticipation. McCoy crossed his arms and glared daggers into the younger man.

"Jim, I know you really want to get out of here but letting you go would put my career in jeopardy."

The Captain's face dropped.

"Please Bones, do you put your career in front of my happiness?"

 

McCoy grunted. He wanted to make the man happy, he'd been through a lot and deserved some normality. And it made sense- he couldn't do anything for him until they arrived at Starfleet. But what if he had another relapse-- and he wasn't able to reach him in time?

"It would seem the logical course of action," Spock suddenly piped up, finished weighing out all the possibilities.

"I will remain with the Captain at all times, and will report to you if something seems amiss."

_But then again..._

McCoy threw his hands in the air.

"Fine."

Jim's face broke out with a huge smile. "Thanks Bones" he muttered.

\--

"What's our ETA, Mr Sulu?" Kirk happily chided to the helmsman.

"About 10 Earth minutes, Captain"

Kirk beamed around to the crew, it was nice being back in command again.

Apart from the dull ache over his every molecule, he felt pretty good.

"Captain, we are being hailed by Starfleet" Uhura announced from her station.

"On screen."

Spock quickly spun in his chair to face Uhura.

"Wait,"

Her hand hovered over the controls before she peered over her arm to meet Spock's idle gaze.

"If Starfleet were to see the Captain in command, in his state, I believe doctor McCoy will be punished."

Uhura lowered her hand and shrugged. "Well what do you propose we do? This is Starfleet we're talking about...sir."

"Send the transmission to doctor McCoy."

The lieutenant nodded and did as told.

Jim listened intently to the conversation. People were willing to risk their careers because he couldn't keep his childish ass in sickbay?

He shook his head.

_No, that's not his fault._

_Who's fault was it?_

_It had to be Khan._

_Yes. Yes it was, Khan was to blame not Jim._

But at least Khan wouldn't come back to harm him again. Thank god.

"..'right Jim?"

The Captain spun his head around to the source at the noise.

"Sorry?" he aimed, mainly at Uhura.

"Sorry, I meant Captain." she had returned to her professional tone, Jim hit himself.

"No no I don't mind you calling me by my name but.."

_Ah what was the use?_

_There was no point in trying to be the right._

_His thoughts aren't making any sense!_

"Jim?" someone was calling him, in the distance. In the far far away world millions of light years away- they could wait for him a while longer.

"...'im.."

Voices echoed and warped, becoming unheard of. How did they expect him to work when they sounded like this?

In fact the whole world started twisting and warping, flashing black, merging together- ultimately confusing Jim.

His eyes transfixed into a position, thoughts becoming muddled that nothing in his head was coherent, eyes not having any command to obey.

But he found himself not caring. It didn't matter.

Everything was fine. Just float. Jim was floating and spaceless, timeless.

Emptiness.

\--

Spock left his station to approach the Captain; he wasn't answering the crew and he hadn't moved a muscle voluntarily in 97.49 seconds.   
Watchfully trudging towards his side, he instantly noticed Jim's empty hazed eyes. His lips were slightly parted and Spock had realised that his breathing was silently laboured.

He did not appear to be very conscious.

Spock turned his back on him and headed back towards his desk to hail McCoy. Just as he reached his station, the Captain let out a quiet groan from his chair, sliding sideways down the arm-rests and slumping forward in his seat. Spock darted to him and caught him as he fell forward.

"Get Doctor McCoy, now." he ordered in urgency, reaching his hands to Jim's face in attempt to make contact.

Uhura left her station to comm McCoy, while Spock maneuverered his fingers delicately around the Captain's face.   
Once he made mind-meld contact, the lack of logic shocked him.   
Everything was incoherent, muddled, mixed up, empty, confusing. There were thoughts from hours ago, lost within the scope of his mind. Commands to move parts of his body were formed and became unknown to the world.

Spock launched backwards to end contact with the man, hiding a shocked exhale.

"Spock?" Uhura asked, noticing his barriers had dropped; confusion settled into his expressions.

"Nyota, I believe that this is my fault." he admitted, under his breath. The woman turned her head sideways slightly and gave the Vulcan a sympathetic smile.

"Why, because of Jim? That's not your fault."

Spock knew his friend's current condition was because of him- he hadn't told McCoy about the previous mind meld, in which he found out that Jim had drugged himself like there's no tomorrow with the sickbay supplies.

\--

The turbolift doors hissed open, revealing a wordless McCoy whizzing to Jim’s side. Worried eyes darted over Jim, inspecting his slumped and half-conscious posture.   
“Damn it Jim.” he muttered under his breath, cupping a hand under the man’s chin and lifting his head. There was a rash forming on his neck.

_Dammit, another allergic reaction._

“When are we going to get to Starfleet Medical?” McCoy deadpanned, continuing to examine Jim.

“10 minutes?” Sulu questioned rather than advised. He too was watching the Captain from his station.

“We need to get there _now_ , he hasn’t _got_ 10 minutes.”

"Spock I haven't got time to be playing," he waved his left arm around sarcastically, _"logic_ games."

The Vulcan frowned.

"Doctor, I urge you to speak with me in private, I have information on the Captain."

McCoy scowled.

"I can't leave him, just tell me here, okay?" he strategically placed hands onto Jim's clammy forehead, moving his right hand to the man's neck and feeling for the pulse.

"Tachycardia. ugh."

"Doctor."

"Damn it Spock, just tell me what you know!"

The Vulcan was aware of everyone watching him, waiting for the bombshell to drop.

"Earlier today, do you recall when Jim was becoming aggressive, and I performed a mind meld on him?"

McCoy nodded. "Yeah, yeah, get to the point."

"Do you also recall all of your sickbay medications going missing?"

The CMO dropped his tricorder and slowly twisted to face Spock. This can't be good.

"While in the mind meld, I discovered from Jim's memories, that he had taken to the medicinal cabinet while delirious, and took every single one of them. Doctor."

McCoy squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

"Where'd he put them? In his quarters? Damn idiot wait 'til I get my hands on-"

"No doctor, he injected everything into himself while he was in the room. I believe you will also find an empty hypospray cartilage in the sickbay trash can."

The doctor's eyes grew wide, grabbing his tricorder to reassess him.

" _You've got to be joking_."

"Vulcans do not joke."

"Damn it, that's over 26 different medicinal products, and just his luck he'll probably be allergic to half of it."

"Starfleet Medical has cleared us for docking." Sulu informed the bridge. McCoy sighed in both relief and exasperation. He decided to try to get the man to speak to him.

"Jim? We're nearly there, _and God are you in some deep shit._ "

"Doctor, as you can clearly see, the Captain is not in excrement of any kind, and I fail to see the relevance of it in the current situation"

McCoy was typing something in his PADD.

"Doctor?" he wanted McCoy to acknowledge his intelligence.

"Just a minute Spock, I've gotta show you something that might be of use to you."

The Vulcan's eyebrow raised.

"Here," he passed the device to him. Spock had a glance at the information and blinked slowly.

"Doctor, why have you given me the dictionary reference of the word 'joke'?"

McCoy snatched the PADD back.

""Cos clearly they didn't teach you it in Vulcan school"

"Vulcan school? Doctor, the proper name for-"

"Ready to beam down a landing party, Doctor" Uhura announced.

McCoy's eyes snapped back to reality, staring down at his Captain and friend, who had severely overdosed on drugs he was allergic to.

"I'll just take myself, Chapel, The Captain and Spock" he told Uhura, "Haul his ass up will ya?"

Spock draped his hands under Jim's arms and pulled him into a standing position, following the doctor to the turbolift.

\--

"Prep the OR as soon as possible, some drugs still haven't been digested so I'm going to pump his stomach."

Several people from Starfleet ran down to the building, Spock following them. McCoy turned to Chapel.

"Did they give you the new supply?"

"Yes doctor, here," she passed the medkit to McCoy, which to his relief was ram-packed with new drugs. He nodded his head and gave the kit back to the nurse, taking a penlight from his pocket and pulling open Jim's left eyelid.

"Still dilated," he gripped Jim's hand and worriedly tried to rouse him.

" _Jim_ , I need you to open your eyes."

When there was no response, McCoy's stare intensified. He laid a hand out.

"One ml of adrenaline." he ordered, not taking his eyes off Jim. Chapel quickly obliged, placing the hypospray in McCoy's hand. He gripped it, plunging it into the younger man's neck. No response.

"Come on, man" he pleaded, quietly.

Chapel looked apprehensive. She sighed and tapped the doctor's shoulder.   
"Doctor, why are we trying to treat him out here and not in the building?"

McCoy gripped his friend's hand harder, feeling himself beginning to panic. Why wasn't he waking up?

"I wanted to make sure he knows what's going on and what's gonna happen before I take him in the building." he looked down at his tricorder and scanned it over Jim. "In his current state, he's 10 times more likely to go into shock if he's freaked... damn it man, _wake up_!"

He stared at Jim, wanting to give him a stronger drug but unsure if he should risk it, what with his allergies and the drugs already in his system.

"I haven't tried this before... but give him just 5cc of tricordrazine," he gently turned Jim's neck to the side, exposing his skin to Chapel, who rapidly had the hypo hissing and gone.

A few moments of silence and no movement passed, before Jim's eyes shot open, his arms flailing wildly, trying to escape.  
He needed to escape.   
Above him were Khan and Nero, both staring down at him and threatening his ship. He exhaled forcefully.

"It's okay Jim, look, it's Bones, and Spock is with me," he lay a gentle handle on Jim's shoulder to keep him still, before he continued yanking his way away from them.

" _No_ " the younger man breathed.

"Relax kid, it's just us." McCoy put his hands on the sides of Jim's face to focus the man on himself, but the touch just made him upset. He flinched away.

“You destroyed my ship!” Kirk sounded broken hearted, his eyes welling with tears. Spock and McCoy looked at each other dumbfoundedly.

“…No Jim, no-one destroyed the Enterp-“

“Retreat now! You have 10 seconds to leave without saying another word or I’ll..” Kirk desperately looked around, then spotted the phaser still in his utility belt. He grabbed it and whipped his figure upwards, pushing the tip of the phaser against McCoy’s head.

“…or I’ll shoot!”

McCoy’s face dropped, trying to find words but wasn’t sure if another uttered word would push Jim over the limit. He didn’t want to risk it.  
He raised his hands, the side of his mouth twitched. Swallowing hard.

“Alright, alright, you got me,” he said as sternly as possible, slowly lowering his hands. The phaser disappeared from his head.

“Why did you destroy my ship?” his voice broke at ‘ship’, hands visibly shaking. None of the men answered, they didn’t dare. They knew who Jim Kirk was—he would hurt anyone who touched the Enterprise. And right now, Jim saw them as his enemies. They didn’t want to test him.

Spock carefully reached into his utility belt with one hand, gripping it and trying to distract him while doing so.

“Why do you think we destroyed the Enterprise, Captain?” he flung his communicator to McCoy, who caught it and drove the device behind his back.

“I saw it with my own eyes! Don’t fucking lie to me!” Jim took another staggered step forwards, while McCoy flung open the communicator and hailed the ship. He turned the decibels upwards so Jim could hear.

“We are not lying to you Jim. We did not touch the Enterprise. I can assure you, that she is fine.”

Jim’s eyes darted around the Vulcan, and then to McCoy, who had an arm outstretched to him, communicator in hand. Slowly, the Captain took the device from him, and looked at it tiredly.

“Enterprise here, what is your situation? How is the Captain?” Sulu’s voice came through.

Jim froze at the words, his eyes glued to the communicator. He inhaled sharply, stumbling forward and choking on tears. McCoy caught him before he hit the ground, turning to Spock with “you-know-what-to-do” facial expressions. And eyebrows.

“I’m sorry, Bones” the younger man cried into the doctor’s sleeve. McCoy resisted the urge to complain. Usually it was the Captain’s shirt that needed changing, though usually from it being conveniently ripped.

“S’not your fault.” He said instead, patting his back. Spock glided up behind him, stealthily putting fingers against his neck and watching the Captain drop immediately. He’d seen it 400 times before, but he raised an eyebrow anyway.  
McCoy sighed and silently closed his eyes for a second.

“Okay, let’s get him in that damn building.”


	8. Delusions, Captain?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's past gets dragged up again. And again. And again.

Inside Starfleet Medical, Jim was rushed down to the nearest OR, McCoy following closely behind.

"What's the situation?" A nurse called out, she seemed like a new comer.

"Damn idiot drugged himself with everything in my sickbay he could get his hands on."

The same nurse snapped her neck back to look at McCoy in amazement, then looked towards Jim.

"He's the Captain.. is he not?" she called almost breathlessly, barging the gurney into doors.

"Yeah. He's not himself."

"Elaborate?"

"Sudden massive memory loss, then regaining said memories later. He gets delusional, paranoid, we think there's a parasite or something that affects him neurologically" McCoy informed her, spinning the gurney around in position, leaving it next to a table-bed looking platform

"Do you know what drugs he's taken?"

"Not at the top of my head but some big stuff went missing."

The nurse gestured for the CMO to help her haul the young man onto the bed.

"What starship are you assigned to?" she asked while doing it.

"U.S.S. Enterprise, look just start the procedure already, he can't keep waiting any longer." McCoy grumbled, subtly noticing the vital signs pick up again. The CMO narrowed hos eyes.

"You didn't sedate him?"

The nurse remained neutral-faced.

"Can't, could cause a reaction with the drugs in him. We're gonna use strong pain killers instead"

McCoy's face looked like that of a Klingon that had Federation domination taken away at the last second.

"You're going to do what?"

"Unless you have any better ideas"

McCoy looked speechless. And angry.

"So you're just gonna keep him awake while you're doing it? You're gonna scare the shit out of him, man!"

The nurse scowled at him.

"You can use sedation if you want to, but don't blame me if he-"

"I want a different nurse in here." McCoy stated coldly, eyes digging deep into the young woman's soul. They exchanged long angrily stares between each other.

"Yeah. Yeah fine, you're gonna get on my nerves anyway." the nurse threw down a device she was holding, radiating a loud "clang" in the room, then left.

 

A hand suddenly gripped onto McCoy's arm.

"Woah" he jumped, nearly swatting Jim's hand away until he realised who it was. The younger man looked terrified, gazing up at the doctor for answers. He gently lowered his friend's arm.

"I'll do it on my own," he hissed to himself, slamming shut the door that the nurse left open. "I'm perfectly capable."

\--

Jim looked around the prestige white room, it smelt drenched in... sterileness. He noticed he was lying flat on a black bed surface. It took the man a few moments before he realised where he was.

"Where's ship?" Jim asked slowly with his eyes closed. McCoy turned to face him.

"That tin-can you call a starship is safe, up there somewhere." he pointed to the sky, then approached Jim's side as the younger man was staring at the ceiling in wonder.

McCoy gently turned his head and examined Jim's neck with a finger. He frowned.

The rash was spreading, McCoy needed to do something, now.

Suddenly, Kirk's heartrate spiked through the roof.

" _Bones_!" he yelled, thrashing to find the doctor desperately.

The doctor only glared at him in exasperation.

"What's the matter now?"

Jim tugged at the doctors coat, pulling him closer.

"Enterprise..." Jim stared at the floor in thought. As McCoy was about to speak, Jim interrupted him. "Needs a new warp core!"

McCoy pried the man's hands off his shirt and shook his head.

"Scotty can deal with that." he told him gently.

Jim looked up at him in awe.

"Scotty is a nice name" he said tiredly. Jim thought that a crewman named Scotty was now imperative.

Just then, Kirk squeezed his eyes shut, a groan escaping from his lips. His stomach was hurling daggers. And the more he focused on it, thinking about how much it hurt, the pain got worse. And worse. And worse. And--

"Jim? Jim open your eyes," a voice was attempting to communicate with him. It was a nice voice, it sounded fast. And nice. And fast.

"Jim if you can hear me, squeeze my hand." the feeling of rubbery texture touched his hand. Jim yelped in surprise and threw his head back in shock, thunderous pain pulsing through his abdomen.

"Alright, we're gonna do this now."

He immediately felt himself fly. It was only for a few seconds, it was a floaty weird feeling. Jim felt himself slipping, falling, he was trying to hold on, trying to stay awake, but he was so tired. He moaned to keep himself awake. Carefully, he opened his eyes, realising he was now flat on his back, staring up at a tense-faced McCoy.

He caught the doctor glide an arm to his neck, which followed by a hiss and a sting. The pain slowly ebbed away. Jim sighed in relief.

"Better?" McCoy asked, noticing the pain creases disappearing from his head.

Jim grunted. "Mhmmm.."

"Now, that nurse is a moron but she was right. I've checked Jim, and there's nothing I can give you to make you sleep that won't cause a reaction. I'll have to do this while you're awake, and it won't hurt a bit, but you need to keep really really still, okay?"

McCoy couldn't stop the nervous energy from affecting his words. He watched Jim's knuckled turn white but nodded. McCoy snapped white latex gloves on, attempting to scare the crap out of Jim, but he merely stared at him hazily.

"B'nss.." he heard the man slur. McCoy looked up at the vitals, they were dropping fast. The next thing he knew, there was freezing cold metal pushed against his neck, a sharp sting, and… floating.

\--

Jim felt washed over and weak. At this point he didn't bother putting up a fight when McCoy approached him with a long weird tube looking thing and stuck it down his throat. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on staying calm.

"This is procedure is seriously some crap from the dark ages" McCoy retorted from above him.

Jim's head felt funny. He needed to sleep. He was desperate for sleep. He was getting so frustrated with the need to sleep that he was fighting back the urge to cry. Jim felt stupid.

"Kid," McCoy began, bringing Jim out of his mind state. He had noticed his eyelids drooping. "You don't need to be awake. If you're tired, you can sleep. I just can't give you any more sedatives" he explained. "In fact it'll be easier."

Jim immediately dropped every effort in staying conscious and plunged into unconsciousness.

\--

Jim was vaguely aware of the scratchy feeling in his throat. The world felt too far away to reach yet but his body was functional. His eyes slowly opened.

And then slammed shut.

God! It was so bright!

Jim attempted to speak, but his attempt only made a weird noise at the back his throat. He growled at the butterflies forming in his stomach. Slowly, while focusing on his raw throat, Jim became more aware that there was something in his airway. Something, some…one?

Oh.

Eyes yanked open. It was Khan! Or Nero! Or… those people from Tarsus IV.  
_He was going to be strangled to death._  
Fidgeting violently, his hands tore at his mouth, trying to remove the object from his throat. He was having an impact—he knew it, the object was budging, but it didn’t seem to retreat.  
Jim didn’t give in—no, he was James T Kirk, he was not going to be strangled by entities of his past!  
He clawed at the objects that threatened to end him. God damn it, he needed to try harder!  
Jim tugged, pulled and scratched at the being, he wasn’t going down like this. No. He wasn’t.

Just then, an alarm went off, piercing his ears and _almost_ disturbing him from saving his own life. It meant he was winning! He just had to peel it off.

Kirk felt another presence grab at him—it seemed they wanted several people to finish him; but he wouldn’t let that happen! Except this certain ‘being’ had warmth to them. His throat wasn’t warm, his throat was dry and raw. But the entity was grabbing at his arms, pulling them away.  
He heard muffled voices, they seemed loud but they weren’t. Did that make sense? Jim thought it didn’t.

Then, a cooler hand roughly grabbed Jim’s arms and forced them above his head. God! He almost was free of his attacker, he wasn’t going to let their friend’s come and finish him themselves. Just then, the horrible choking feeling being stronger, much much stronger.  
This was it. He was a goner. He was most certainly going to—

Then the feeling was gone as quickly as it started. Jim’s muscles relaxed. He could _breathe_. Clearly he had won against his captives. But the hands that were holding his arms were still there! What else were they planning to do to him?! Jim began to panic. The alarms he heard earlier suddenly came back into focus, and they were getting louder. Louder. _Louder_. It needed to stop. Jim didn’t want to hear this. Oh god! He didn’t!

The noise had to stop. It was too loud.

Too many noises.

_Too many noises._

So many loud noises.

_Stop stop stop stop._

He froze. He screamed. Jim _screamed. He screamed until he throat became raw once again. He screamed until his throat was on fire. He screamed until the rawness brought pain. He didn’t care. It made the noise quieter._  
Jim’s head suddenly felt fuzzy, a wave of tiredness. He was dizzy.  
Yes, he was dizzy. Jim felt dizzy.  
Jim felt confused. He started choking again. That confused him. Why was he choking? His captor was gone. His screaming turned into crying. Then his crying turned back into screaming. He needed to stay awake. He was dizzy and was dying, probably. If he screamed then he would stay awake.

\--

McCoy had all his body strength press against Jim’s. Spock had his fingers firmly grasped around Jim’s arms, practically pinning them to the bed-table-thing. He held out an arm to the tray of hypo’s next to him, which was slightly out of reach, slammed an outstretched hand onto the base and grabbed the first hypo he could get a hold of.  
He instantly brought it down onto Jim’s neck, the younger man jolted and shook as it went in, the doctor throwing the hypo aside and continuing to hold the man in place until he began to settle.

“Jim,” he tried to get his attention calmly. “Jim, look at me, you idiot.”

Two sluggish eyes slowly swayed over to meet McCoy’s face. His frown deepened as the alarms didn’t turn off.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Jim gazed at the man, and for a couple of seconds, didn’t process what he said. Finally, he spoke.

“Y’ were gon’ kill me.. you are..”

McCoy’s expression softened at his nonsense, he reached for another hypo, and was about to jam it into his friend’s neck before he was stopped by a Vulcan. His face instantly switched to frustration and he craned his neck towards Spock.

“I do not think it is wise to touch him at this time.” A stoic expression said.

The doctor groaned inwardly. Taking orders from a Vulcan. He was going to argue back and decided against it.

"Bones.."

McCoy's eyes shot up to look at Jim's. Instantly, he put a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder and his best smile.

"It'll be okay Jim. You remember what happened?"

The younger blonde took a moment to think. Then shrugged. McCoy sighed.

"You came out your sleep before I was finished," he began, gesturing his arms around wildly and rolling his eyes. "You panicked, I uh.. had to finish up and take the intubation tube out."

There was a subtle nod in reply, followed by a tired groan.

"It was successful. Though of course, knowin' me, you wouldn't expect anything less." The doctor allowed himself to half smile, patting the kid on the head and turning to remove his gloves and mask, which was hanging under his chin.

Jim shivered.

"M' cold.." Jim whined, hiding his face under the pillow.

"I know, lemme get ya' in a gown and back on board the Enterprise. Chapel's gone to restock the sickbay so we should be good to go."

Jim groaned at the thought of sickbay.

"Oh, and Jim?"

The Captain tiredly grunted in acknowledgement.

"Don't you dare scare me like that again."

Jim gave a small chuckle, then submitted himself to a long needed sleep.

\--

 _Why was he sleeping?_ Jim needed to save the lives of four thousand people!

Kirk then realised-- he fell asleep while pretending to be unconscious. Damn it. He could be too late.

 _It's going to be my fault.._ he thought to himself.

_All those people.. dead because of me._

He heard footsteps.

_Coming closer._

"Captain,"

_Oh god, Kodos had his Captain. He needed to act._

_He could save them._

"Captain I am aware that you are entirely conscious."

_Act. Now!_

**Wham**! Jim's fist collided with a face.

_Yes, he'd got him!_

There was silence.

"Captain, please, open your eyes."

Jim's fingers ached. That was a pretty hard punch.

"Captain, if you do not show signs of correct responsiveness, I will have to consult with the doctor."

Jim froze. Kodos was going to hold back on killing him?

"Aarrrgggh!" Jim bolted up and jumped onto a strange man. This wasn't Kodos. This guy had pointy ears and weird eyebrows.

His eyes scanned the area. Where the hell was he?

"Doctor McCoy to sickbay" he heard the man say. If it _was_ a man. If it was.. human.  
Jim stared down at the weirdly tint skinned man beneath him, that he had pounced on. He wondered if his eyes were playing tricks on him.  
The creature, whatever it was, stared right back at him, then raised an eyebrow with a slight smirk.  
Jim narrowed his eyes. Then reached for the ears of the strange being.

“Fascinated, Captain?”

Jim remained quiet, his veins still pumping with adrenaline.

“It is only me. It is Spock.”

Suddenly, the doors hissed open, revealing a slightly older man, who was striding into the room absentmindedly, before spotting Kirk and breaking into a dead-sprint.

“Jim!” he had called, rushing to his side, ignoring the fact that he was, for some reason, pinning Spock to the ground.  
The second that the man inched towards him, Jim jumped up and scrambled backwards, attempting to get away from… Kodos. Yes.

His brain was fuzzy, he wasn’t sure what Kodos looked like, but these men felt familiar, especially the one trying to go near him now, so he _must_ be Kodos.  
Perhaps Jim had attempted to remove his captor and torturer from his mind.

But Jim’s stomach burned when he saw him. So this _mus_ t be Kodos. It had to be.

"No! No, no god don't hurt me!" Jim tipped over backwards against the wall, hitting his head but continuing to keep his distance.

The words "damn it" were muttered by one of the men.

"Jim, come and sit on this bed." a voice demanded of him.

Slowly, he turned his head and gazed up at the source of the voice.

"At least sit on it or put your foot on it man, I need to read your vitals!"

Jim shook his head and swallowed at the dizziness that washed past him.

That man was going to kill him. Kodos... would kill him. But Jim couldn't move. His tiredness dragged him down.

He was stuck here.

He was going to die at the hands of this sadist.

He wanted to go home. Where was home? Jim felt a build-up of butterflies in his stomach when he couldn't remember.

"Jimmy," the voice was closer now. Kodos was walking towards him.

This was it.

His eyes spotted a device in Kodos' hands. Surely this was the weapon at which he will die.

"D'nt c'm nr me wiv vhah hing" Jim slurred, shutting his eyes. The world was draining away.

Two warm hands gripped onto his arms, sending Jim into choked sobs.

"Please, don't-don't, kill me, don't.. don't-don't-"

His begging was stopped by a cold hissing metal making contact with the front of his neck.

Oh god, he had been shot.

"No-"

"It's alright Jim."

"No.."

"Jim, it's alright, just breathe-"

"No!"

"In through your nose, out through your mouth." Kodos' voice sounded surprisingly soft. The edges of his vision blackened.

He still had so much he wanted to do..

"Please, I don't want to die!"

"Jim, you're not dyin', I gave you a sedative to help you calm down, that's all."

It was at that moment when Jim's defences dropped and he couldn't take it any longer.

"I'm so confused!" he cried, hitting his fist on the floor weakly. A hand brushed against his forehead, followed by hushed disapproving sounds.

"Why you confused kid? What's goin' on in that head?"

Kirk rolled onto his stomach, pushing his head under his arms and quietly sobbed.

\--

 

McCoy had enough of this. He motioned for Spock to come over with an arm, and turned back to Jim.

"Jim, I'm going to give you another sedative,  alright?"

No response.

"It's gonna make ya' feel real tired," he explained, leaning forward to place a hand on his friend's neck. "Just don't fight it and it'll be fine." he quickly jammed the hypos contents into his friend, rubbing the injection site on his neck.

Jim immediately slumped, Spock catching him, a firm hand latching onto his arm.

For a second, Spock tensed up, keeping that stoic expression on his face; but quickly settled.

"What was that?" the doctor asked.

"I am a touch telepath." Spock reminded him. McCoy made an "o" shape with his mouth and retrieved his communicator from his pocket.

"McCoy to sickbay, I need some help in my office.. it's the Captain." he flipped the device shut again, placing it aside and running his free hand through Kirk's matted hair.

"Jesus, kid.." he muttered.

Spock straightened his posture, and pulled his shirt neatly.

"Doctor, I have an inquiry"

McCoy frowned and turned to face the Vulcan.

"You could have just asked it just then."

"I wish to convey my concern at the rate the Captain is being treated," he cocked his head sideways, "You appear to be treating his symptoms, but you are not diagnosing and treating the main cause that ails him."

McCoy shoved his hands in his pockets, realised how unsanitary that was, and removed them.

"I'm fairly certain there's an intelligent creature messing with his brain-- it's neurological for sure. I just can't find the right time to scan him without something happening" the doctor answered.

A small groan was uttered from the bed.

Jim cracked open his eyes, waves of memories coming back to him.

McCoy smiled. "Hey kid." he said, keeping a sedative at the corner of his eye.

Jim couldn't find the strength to answer his friend. All his energy was gone. He closed his eyes again.

"Just hypo me.. Bones"

McCoy looked taken aback.

"What?" his eyebrows furrowed.

"I said.. just hypo me."

Bones thinned his lips and scowled. It wasn't like Jim to admit to needing a hypo, let alone allowing Bones to give him one.

"Did you have a nightmare?" he asked instead.

"Mmm.. no, I just want a hypo."

McCoy sighed through his teeth and sat on the edge of Jim's biobed, taking a quick look at the readings. All was normal.

"Talk to me Jim."

Jim remained silent.

"What's wrong, Jim?"

The silent man shrugged. McCoy put a firm hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not giving you that hypo until you tell me what's wrong." he stated.

That did it for Jim.

He smacked McCoy's hand away and shuffled to the other side of the biobed.

"I just don't want to be awake, okay?"

Bones stood up.

"You want me to sedate your ass because you don't want to be here?" he grumbled. "You want to stop waking up, is that it?"

Jim answered by shoving his head under the pillow, curling himself into a ball.

"It's never ending, Bones!" he yelled into the poor pillow. "Something happens, then something else, then something else, and then I have to keep suffering and you do NOTHING"

McCoy felt like he'd just been kicked in the stomach.

"Jim, I'm doing my best, kid." he sat back down. "I've told you before, I've never dealt with this before, it's new to me."

"Do you like watching this happen? Is it a chance to show off your great doctor skills?" Jim hissed, his head turned to the left. "If you even have any fucking skills as a doctor, you sad stupid piece of-"

"Damn it Jim!" McCoy yelled, grabbing the hypo from the tray and inspecting its contents, about to plunge it into the man's neck.

"No!" Jim shouted, eyes widening, sparking the alarms on the bed to sound. He started hyperventilating. "Don't! Bones, please, I'm sorry!" he shuffled slightly too far backwards and almost fell off the bed.

Bones slammed the hypo down and turned to Chapel.

"Get Spock. Now."

The nurse quickly nodded and hurried off, while Jim still stared half petrified at his friend. His eyes glazed over. The world began to spin. A second alarm on the bed sounded.

"Bones..." he breathed, gripping onto the mattress to keep himself awake.

Bones was already checking over him with a medical scanner, looking puzzled.

"What the hell brought this on.." he muttered, pushing Jim back down to the bed. "Try and relax, it's gonna be OK," he began, looking for another hypo. Jim visibly shuddered.

"No more hypos!" he yelled.

Spock decided to make an appearance at that time.

"What can I do for you, doctor?"

“No hypos, Jim” McCoy reassured him, before turning to Spock.

"Do ya think you'll be able to upgrade the PADD to detect moving substances every 2 to 3 seconds?" he asked.

Spock craned his neck to the side.

“It is a possibility. But may I ask why?”

“I think it’s about time we test our theory on there being some kinda intelligent life, screwing around with Jim, don’t you think?”

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow.

“I believe so.”

McCoy turned back to Jim, who was eying him intensely.

“You sure you don’t want that hypo?” he asked sarcastically, waltzing to the monitors.

“Nah… I’m good” Jim sat up. McCoy stepped over and yanked him back down.

“You even think about movin’ from that spot kid and I’ll give you a reason to want a hypo”

“That a threat Bones?” he tested what would happen if he turned on his side. McCoy narrowed his eyes but did nothing more. “I can end your entire career.. by dismissing you—if you hypo me without my consent” Jim sat back up. Bones rolled his eyes and pushed him back down.

“Kid, I’d happily get thrown off this ship and into the deep dangerous void of space wrapped in darkness and silence if it meant keeping your stupid ass safe” McCoy kept his voice low. Didn’t want anyone to think he was being sympathetic—or dare it be said—nice, now, would we?

Jim gave him a long stare, then, by some God-given gift from the sweet not-dangerous not-wrapped-in-darkness-and-silence cascade of miracles above, he slowly leant an arm out to McCoy.  
He smiled, then decided to pat his shoulder instead of give a snarky comment. He took Jim’s arm.

“We’re gonna work this out kid. Gonna fix you up, got it? You an’ me.”

Jim nodded hastily, McCoy noticing he was staring at his arm. Obviously wanting said hypo to be given as soon as possible.

“Just trust me”, he added. Jim smirked.

“When have I ever not?”

_**TBC..** _


	9. End the Suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's god-awful nightmare comes to an end as Bones figures out to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the end of this fic! I have some new ideas I want to start and if I put 'em here, it will just needlessly drag out the story. I wanted to give a big thanks to 'redford' who had been reviewing..pretty much..all of the chapters lmao.

"Alright Jim," McCoy began, looking at his PADD, "Right here I've got something to help us confirm our theory."

Jim blinked. "What theory?"

"Ah.." McCoy sighed-- he forgot Jim had a temperamental memory. "We think there's a creature inside you, doing this."

The younger man nodded, shuffling under blankets on the biobed.

"So, we want to try to catch it while it's doing its thing. And it seems to do its thing while you're asleep."

Jim groaned.

"Yeah, guess who's getting another hypo."

Bones administered the shot, being weary to be gentle.

"We'll have results when you wake up. For now, just have a nice nap." he set the PADD aside for a second, walking to the comm. "McCoy to Spock, come up to sickbay."

Jim's eyes were drooped. And tired. And droopy. And tired. And ugh.

"Booones.." Jim whined, watching his vision split into two.

"Huh?"

"I feel funny.. Bones"

"That's cos you're not asleep yet. Close your eyes and try to sleep. Doctor's orders."

\--

"How is he, doctor?" A Vulcan asked when walking in.

"He's just sleeping," McCoy began, passing the PADD to Spock. "Take a look at this."

Spock took a total of 1.6 seconds to analyse the data.

"There is an alien lifeform living in the stem of the Captain's brain."

McCoy huffed. "To put it heavily, yes."

"And have you discovered the meaning of the memory loss, and the delusions?"

McCoy leaned back on the heels of his shoes, swaying back and forth on them, in thought.

"I think the creature is doing it unintentionally. I have several ideas, the most possible being that as it moves, puts pressure on his cerebral cortex..."

"Which in turn hinders his ability to recall memories, and when pressure is released, the functionality returns." Spock finished.

McCoy folded his arms, standing deep in thought again. "Yeah, but we'll need to get rid of it."

"I presume through surgical intervention?" Spock questioned, handing the PADD back to the doctor.

"Yeah. I gotta wait for him to wake up first so I can inform him."

Spock nodded, then turned to leave. "I must resume my duties on the bridge."

"Yeah," McCoy waved his hand down, "Yeah of course. You go, I will stay here with Jim."

Spock gave a quick curt nod and made his leave.

\--

Jim felt the clouds on the surface of his mind begin to clear. He opened his eyes in a haze, revealing a baffled looking McCoy standing over him. That expression was annoying. Jim wanted to remove it.

He reached an arm out to remove the expressions from McCoy’s face.

“Uh,” the doctor stood back and stared at the kid’s floating arm. “What the hell are you doin’?”

“It’s gone..” Jim breathed, then his own expression turned into one of proudness.

“Huh.” McCoy stepped closer again, gripping the man’s arm and lowering it to his bed. “What’s gone?”

“I made it go away, Bones…” Kirk had a huge smile on his face.

“Yeah? Well you remember my name at least, which is good, because I want to talk to you.”

“We’re not talking nooow?” Kirk looked absolutely gobsmacked. McCoy furrowed his eyebrows and peered in closer to Jim’s face.

“God damn, I thought it wasn’t possible for you to get any more stupid.”

Jim frowned.

“Now listen. I figured out what’s wrong—there _is_ a creature inside you and it’s sitting in your brain.”

Kirk’s eyes widened in wonder, like that of a child. “Wow..” he breathed, hitting himself in the head.

“Yeah, that’s where your brain is.” Then he scowled, stumbling upon a realisation. He wanted to make sure. “Jim, do you want to go back to work?”   
McCoy was waiting for the man to freeze up and jump at the opportunity to run the ship again. But instead, the Captain merely rolled his eyes to the left, the rest of himself following them.

“Why would I do that? I’m tired.. and I like it in here. It’s… cosy.”

McCoy huffed a sigh, then made his way to the wall comm.   
“Doctor McCoy to Spock”

A second went by.  
“Spock here.”

“Spock, Jim’s gonna be out of it longer than I thought. You need to remain acting Captain. In fact, get up here, you can see for yourself.”

“I am on my way, doctor.”

McCoy turned back to Jim, who was fiddling with the blankets. He rubbed his face in his hands. How the hell was he going to explain to a man with the mind of a child that he needed extensive brain surgery?

“Jim,” he started, then realised Kirk wasn’t paying attention, paying all of it to a blanket. “Stop that, ugh, look, oh for god sake’s look at me!” he tugged Jim’s hand away from the blanket and placed a hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at the doctor. Jim looked sad.

“Do you remember what I told you before you fell asleep?”

Jim nodded his head hastily, then turned to look at the blankets again.

“Damn it Jim! Stop fiddling with the blankets for a minute and talk to me!”

“I remember, Bones” he replied quietly.

“Good. Well, there is something that’s causing the memory losses and it’s sitting nicely in your head.” McCoy paused, how do you put this nicely? “..And now that we found it, I’ve got to fix it, so you’re all better. Yeah?”

Jim hesitated, but nodded. “Yeah, I wanna be better. What’s wrong with me?”

McCoy held back the urge to grumble about how thick he was being.   
“Memory loss.. delusions..”   
_And from what I can see now, you’ve fuckin’ mentally and emotionally resorted to the state of a child_ , he thought.

The door hissed open, McCoy turned to the noise and saw Spock standing there looking.. expressionless, as usual. Jim would like that.  
“Come in Spock.” He greeted, turning his attention back to Jim.

“When are you gonna fix it?” he asked.

McCoy shrugged, “Whenever you’re ready, kid.”

“Your gentle tone to the Captain is most amusing.” Spock retorted from behind him.   
McCoy raised his eyebrows.

“Amusing, Spock?”

“A statement that you humans can refer to. It is not usual of you to treat the Captain in such a way.”

“Yeah. Well I have to.” When Spock’s expression changed to look almost confused—if that was possible, McCoy stepped closer to the Vulcan and kept his voice low, “ _It’s getting worse, a lot worse. His state of mind is that of a child.”  
_ Spock raised his head in acknowledgement, then turned to Kirk.

“You must perform treatment to extract the creature as soon as possible.”

McCoy glared at him. “You think I don’t know that? I’m in a dilemma here!”

Spock turned his head from Kirk to McCoy. “What is there to concern about?”

“He’s a _child_. If a child tells you they agree to a surgery but the parent says no, you don’t operate without their permission.”

Spock remained quiet for a few seconds before speaking.   
“May I remind you doctor, Jim is not a child. He is temporarily mentally impaired, but he is still the Captain, and that would leave the decision on whether to operate with you.”

McCoy nodded. “See, there are very few reasons why you’re wanted on this ship and your opinion is one of them.”

“I believe I am needed because I am a science officer.”

McCoy rolled his eyes and twisted back to Jim.

“You ready to get this damn thing out your head? I’ll be glad when it’s all over.”

Jim’s eyes lit up. “Yep!”

Bones had to stop himself from feeling guilty. _The kid had no idea what he was in for._  He sighed.

“Spock, you mind getting nurse Chapel down here to prep Jim so that I can set up the OR?”

The Vulcan remained wordless, but bowed his head and walked in the opposite direction.

\--

McCoy walked confidentially out of the OR and headed to sickbay, where Chapel had finished prepping him.

"..And here's doctor McCoy now!" she was saying to him.

"Thanks Chapel. Spock." McCoy turned to Jim and forced himself to smile for once.

"Can you do it now?" Jim asked impatiently.

"Yeah, of course, just give me a sec."

Chapel sighed at McCoy's obvious worry and approaches him.

"Doctor, all will be fine."

McCoy shut his eyes and shook his head.

"I don't know, Christine." he whispered. "Is this right? I mean, Jim doesn't understand, he's acting like this is some kind of fun game, but this is... this is probably going to scar him, and I'm not just talking about physically." he sat on the chair next to Jim's bed and thought over his options.

"You're his physician, and you're responsible for him. Whatever he needs, you have the right to do it, you know that." Chapel tried to reassure him.

McCoy didn't answer and just stood up, then smiled at Jim again.

"Alright let's get this over with." he picked up a hypospray. "This is gonna-" suddenly Jim interrupted him by vomiting over the side of the bed. And started crying.

Bones swallowed hard. Was it always that bad?

"His fear of hypos is exponentially increased in this mental state, I should have known." he kicked himself, then breathed out in exasperation.

"It's alright doctor, let's just use gas."

McCoy nodded in acknowledgement and began setting up the next form of sedation.

"It's alright Jim" Chapel soothed the man.

" _Manchild_ " McCoy whispered to himself, holding up and observing the mask, then gave it to Chapel. She turned to Kirk and sat next to him.

"This little thing goes over your face," she informed him, placing it over the man's mouth and nose. Jim's eyes were still wide in fear, his heart-rate notably doubled.

"I don't want it anymore!" his cries came muffled from under the mask. Chapel kept her gentle demeanour while McCoy struggled to keep himself calm.

_Am I hurting him by doing this?_

_Is it right?_

"Can you be brave, Jim?" Chapel asked him. Jim stopped fidgeting and looked up at Chapel, nodding.

"It's just oxygen for now" she smiled, her head following McCoy, who was pulling up the blankets that Jim was _oh so obsessed about_.

He wondered why he was being so kind with him.

 _Perhaps his state of mind reminds me of Joanna?_ he thought.

Yeah, that's it. _Damn guy is acting like a kid._

He eyed Chapel, waiting for her to make eye contact so he could silently let her know he was going to start the sedatives in the gas.

As she did, he nodded and turned a couple of dials up, while Chapel faced Jim and continued rubbing his arm with her thumb.

"Doctor McCoy is really old school, huh?" she joked. Jim made a noise at the back of his throat instead.

 _Must be feeling the effects_ , McCoy thought.

"It's gonna start smelling really sweet." he told Kirk, who was fidgeting to get the mask off. "And you'll feel tired, don't fight it, just sleep, alright Jimbo?"

The younger man nodded, but appeared to be scowling. His eyes fluttered shut, and was able to feel the vibration of the bed going flat before he embraced the darkness.

\--

McCoy gripped the rails of the bed and forced them upwards, locking them in place.  
“Get him down to the OR, everything is prepped in there. I have to speak to the bridge crew.”

“How long will you be, doctor?” Chapel asked, helping him turn the bed around.

“Not long, I’ll be right down.” He approached the door and stopped, turning around. “You may as well intubate him, save us time.” And with that, the doctor immediately quick-walked out the room.

\--

“Vat do you zink Sulu? Do you zink zat ze Captain vill be alvright?” Chekov’s accent was pronounced and almost incoherent.

Spock interrupted Sulu before he could answer.   
“I am sure that the Captain is in good hands, ensign.”

At that moment, the turbolift doors hissed, with McCoy stepping in the second that doors began to crack open.

“Doctor McCoy,” Spock acknowledged. “What news of the Captain?”

McCoy finished walking up to Spock and studied the bridge.   
“He’s in the OR with Chapel. I’ll be right there. But I just came here to let you know that I’m going to be with Jim in surgery for a while and it’s _imperative_ that we’re not interrupted.”

Spock merely craned his head sideways slightly.

“I mean it, Spock. If there’s a piece of shit of an enemy vessel coming our way, don’t even _think_ about hailing us because I can’t answer. I have to start and finish this _without_ interruption. Do you understand?”

Spock bowed his head. “Indeed.”

McCoy folded his arms. “Good. And the same goes for the rest of you. Do not comm the Captain’s quarters, the operating room or my sickbay until I tell you to. If someone is gravely injured then report to sickbay but **_do not_** ask for me.”

There was a variety of “yes sir” called out, before McCoy turned on his heel to leave the room.

\--

“You all set up in here?” McCoy burst into the OR, feeling rather proud of his dramatic entrance.

“Yes doctor, we can start when you’re ready.” Chapel informed him, looking cautiously at the vitals, as if expecting Kirk to wake up.

“Alright. Now we can’t go mucking about in his head without being sure that we’ve not screwed something up, so keep him under until the creature is exposed, then we’ll have to keep him lightly conscious to make sure he can still move, still speak, the usual.”

Chapel hummed in response to McCoy’s plan and took a hypospray, jamming it into Jim’s neck harder than she anticipated. “Should keep him under until then.”

McCoy nodded and took a device from a set of instruments, carefully beginning to make his incision and prove his worth, that he really was the best doctor in the fleet.

“Laser scalpel,” he ordered, not taking his eyes off his patient. Chapel handed him the instrument, checking up at the vitals for change.

 

About halfway into the procedure, McCoy placed his instruments down and sighed. He kept his magnifying glasses on.

“That’s the little shit right there”, he pointed at the creature. Chapel squinted.

“I might need those,” she referred to the magnifying glasses.

“Oh yeah”, the device was passed over to her, she hastily put them on, making an alarmed humming sound at the sight of it. “That’s what’s been hurting him?”

McCoy grabbed the glasses back. “Yeah. I can’t risk getting access to it while he’s asleep in case I hit something.”

Abruptly, the room started glowing red, and for what felt like several moments which was only a second, the alarms began blaring with the voice of Chekov repeating “code red” over the ship comms. McCoy groaned inwardly.

“The hell did I say about interrupting us? I made it blatantly fuckin’ clear-“

“Bridge this is Chapel, please turn off the intercom for sickbay and the OR.”

A brief pause.

“Understood nurse.” Came the voice of Spock, the ear-piercing sound being cut off, the flashing red lights stopping, although the alarm was still glowing red to remind them.

“I can live with that,” McCoy stated, fiddling with the IV drips to bring Jim into consciousness. “I’m gonna lessen the propofol, tell me when his vitals start rising.”

Chapel didn’t even need to let him know, as 10 seconds later, Kirk’s eyes shot open and another alarm was once again set off. McCoy immediately checked the IV drips. “He’s not supposed to be this alert.”   
Kirk however, saw and heard everything.

Jim was trying to come to terms with being suddenly forced into awareness—the first and only thing he saw being blue-tinted lamp lights glaring into his eyes. One light was different to the others—it was yellow and small. The faces of masked people were above him, hovering over him like he was an amusing circus animal.  
Realising he was about to hyperventilate, his breathing hitched in his throat, stopping his breathing from spiralling out of control, although it felt like he desperately needed it.  
As his eyes focused, he realised that the small light was in fact an accessory on one of his captors heads.

Then it hit him.

 _What if he was dead?  
_ Is this.. what if this was..

Jim felt his eyes widen.

 _What if these people were..  
Oh god, they thought he was dead and now they’re dissecting him.  
_ Oh shit.  
Oh fucking shit.  
_Oh fucking shit shit shit shit fuck I need to get out, I need to—fuck, fuck but what if they’ve already cut me open? Oh god. Oh god I’m fucked. Oh god oh god ohgodohgodicantbreatheicanticanticant-_

“Just relax Jim, you’re alright. It’s Bones, and we’re in the OR. Just relax kid, you’re okay.”   
Oh, he wasn’t dead? Well that changes things slightly. But maybe he was dying?

“Ah-gg-ag-ah-” Jim choked through the tube in his throat. Then his heartrate noticeably raised when he realised he couldn’t talk. McCoy held himself back from showing emotion.   
_What he wouldn’t give to have the emotional stability of Spock right now._

“Jim, we’re just about to get the creature out but we need your help. Don’t talk, because you’ll find you won’t be able to.”

Jim’s eyes were fixed upon McCoy’s, there was obvious complete fear in them.

 _He’s not supposed to be this alert,_ McCoy repeated to himself in concern.  
_If he remembers this, it’s going to traumatise him._

“Chapel is going to ask you some questions and I’ll just be back here doing my thing, okay?”

There was an unmistakable “nnn-hnnn” in reply to him, McCoy knowing he understood.  
“Alright. I sure as hell owe you a drink when you get out of this.” He tried to lighten the mood, then swapped places with Chapel. He continued his work.

“Okay, Jim, try to squeeze my hand for me,” Chapel told him, gliding her hand under his. Jim effortlessly obeyed.

“Good, now, I’m going to take this tube out your throat, see if you can try to breathe on your own, then we can try to get you to talk, alright?”

Another “nnn-hnnn” was mumbled.

Jim felt the tubing slide out of his throat, and couldn’t hold back the cough he was holding. McCoy scowled from behind him.

“I know it’s difficult Jim, but try not to move, don’t wanna fuck up my amazing work” he warned.

“S-ss-..” Jim stopped and inhaled, both the doctors looking anxiously at him. “Sssorry.”

McCoy breathed a sigh of relief. “It’s alright, kid.”

“Talk to me about how you got the Enterprise, Jim” Chapel asked. Jim looked deep in thought.

“I… I was with.. umm..” Jim paused and thought. Chapel patiently waited. “I took it over.. from.. Pike. He.. gave.. her.. to me..”

“Why did he give her to you?”

No response. Chapel and McCoy glanced at each other.

“Why did Pike give the Enterprise to you, Jim?”

“I want to sleep”

“You can sleep after we’ve done this. Jim, why did Pike—“

“He relinquished his command of the Enterprise, and then died a few years later, which wouldn’t have happened if he was on the ship, his death was my fault, that’s why—I got it because he gave it to me, and if he didn’t give it to me he wouldn’t be dead, okay? That’s my fault, that’s my fault, it’s my fault, it’s my.. my.. my.. myfault..it’smyfaultishouldnthavecontrolishouldntishoudishouldnt-“ as Chapel was about to sooth him, Kirk caught sight of the red alarm glowing in the background. His heartrate shot up in seconds.

“Wh…Wh…y?” Jim breathed, out of breath and exhausted. “W-why- wha… wha’ happen?”

“McCoy are you nearly done?” Chapel called to him.

“Almost. I have access, I’m about to take it out. Keep him calm.”

“Jim, what happened to Pike wasn’t your fault. He chose to give you his ship himself. And you command the Enterprise excellently.”

“Why is the alarm red?” Jim panicked, gripping to the edge of the bed, as if trying to move himself upwards. Alarms screamed from the monitors at sudden blood loss.

McCoy freaked, and almost screamed at the man.   
“Jesus fucking Christ Jim, _don’t fucking move_! Do you really want to go moving around with your head cut open?” Chapel placed a hand on the doctor’s shoulder, “Stay the fuck still man!”

“ _Doctor_ ,” Chapel warned, as Jim’s heart-rate was spiking to the danger zone.

“If it was _that_ urgent, they would have told us to keep you asleep and bring you out of the OR. But we’re all still here. The red alert is relevant to the crew. Not to us, Jim, you hear?” McCoy informed him instead.

Jim groaned. “Okay..”   
The vitals dropped to an acceptable level again.

“Aaand—yeah, the little shit is out.” There was a _clank_ sound as the small brown creature was dropped onto the tray.

Both of them exhaled a sigh of relief. McCoy looked exhausted, rubbing his hands over his face.

“I’ll suture him up doctor, you go to your office and relax.” Chapel told him, adjusting the IV fluids to put Jim back under again. “You can have your nap now, Captain.” Chapel smiled.   
Jim instantly shut his eyes and exhaled.

\--

The second McCoy left the room, he was greeted with a straight-postured Vulcan.

“How is he, doctor?”

“He’s _fine_ ,” McCoy waved him down, making his way to his office, Spock following him.

“Fine is a relative term. Is he going to recover?”

“Yeah. I got the creature out. Never seen it before in my life.”

“And his memory?”

“Should not bother him anymore. Won’t be going back to duty for a couple of weeks, maybe months, we’ll see how he goes.”

Spock gestured to the door of the doctor’s office, allowing him to walk in first.

“ _Thanks_ ,” he muttered, storming in and immediately dropping onto his chair.

“Your work appears to have been highly commendable.” Spock told him.

“Is that a compliment? Damn, this day is just getting weirder and weirder.”

\--

Kirk woke up in sickbay a couple of hours later. He found that he seemed to have been sectioned off, being alone in a room, several IV’s sticking into his arm.   
_I bet Bones put that there._

“How you feelin’ kid?”

_Speaking of the devil._

“Feel.. tired.” Jim slurred, rolling his head to the side to face the doctor.

“Yeah. You’ll be off duty for a while, but you’ll be fine. Try to get some more sleep.”

Jim inhaled a perfect breathe, and exhaled. A grin spread across his face.  
McCoy’s expression turned to that of curiosity.

“What _you_ smilin’ about? The good stuff getting to ya?”

Jim opened his eyes again. “Feel good..Bones.. feel really good.”

This time it was McCoy’s turn to smile.

“That’s good to hear, kid. Don’t go moving around now—if you screw up my handy-work I’ll personally kill you myself.”

Jim chuckled to himself quietly. “Mmm.. don’t worry.. don’t plan on moving..”

“Yeah? Well I won’t count on it, you’ll be asking to go back to work in no time.” He patted the kid’s head. “In which case, I’ll say no.”

Jim grunted in reply and his eyes fluttered shut. “M’ wanna sleep..”

McCoy put a supportive hand on Kirk’s arm for a second, before, standing up and checking the vitals once more.

“Not surprised. Go to sleep kiddo, if you need anything either scream my name, scream for pointy, or more desirably, press this button here” he gestured to the call button.

“Will do, Bones..”

And with that, Jim sighed and drifted off to sleep, to begin a long road for recovery.


End file.
